Warning- Melt Down in progress

Its not even 9am and already the temp is over 32c I have been filling out forms on line since 6.30 trying to answer questions  honestly for a rental, but since I have only rented 4 6mnth 18 years ago and I am in my 40's its near on impossible, not to mention that its not me paying but husbands work so half the answers aren't relevant got the end of filling out this massive application only to have them say ok now fill out your partners form.. seriously!!! I have done nothing but cry for the past hour trying and failing to not stress out  now when I call them they say  sorry you have to me  view the house before we will even look at your application.. how do people that live in other countries find  houses then? 


Today I just want to crawl under a rock and never see sunlight again It might seem small to other people  but  its a huge thing for me. I am not coping with the stress of finding a new house and then having certain people compounding the stress by constantly harrassing me with stupid questions like so have you found some where yet? would I look this stressed out if I had somewhere!!!! or why ask me have you looked for a job yet... I dont even have a freeking address to put on the employment app so how the flying fuzzies would I Apply for a job and its none of your freeking business anyway stop harassing me with  irrelevant questions I will get a god damn job when I am freeking ready not when you say I should, my kids health and happiness will ALWAYS come before any job  and at the end of the day  its between me and Oscar not anyone else so  take 2 steps back cause I am about to come out swinging very very soon!!!! yes I am that angry.


Today is one of those days that if you look at me wrong I may just tear you a new one or I may fall in a heap and cry uncontrollably. I dont do hot and its so hot already outside. I don't handle stress well, in fact the Dr has said flat out 2 months ago that I am to keep my stress levels to an absolute minimum and yet it feels like I am getting it from every single angle. On one hand I have Oscar saying you have to sort this house thing out  but call me if you have any drama then if I call I get told don't stress out it will sort out but keep at it so really that's no help at all I am clueless as to what steps to take  with renting and  I am sorry if there is a realtor reading this but my opinion of realtor's has steadily dropped in the past 2 months that we have been dealing with them. most have been down right rude, as far as I can tell everything said is half truths or down right lies by one man in particular. The only one I have liked so far is the one that sold our house, so far she has been the most helpful  even with  advice for  getting a rental and she wont see a cent of that.


My oldest is  not handling his crimped lifestyle  now that we have to be extra careful with his activities so become a little broody. My response, back off buddy I have monopoly on broody  this week!  


Hubby has so much stress with his work problems staff and  trying to run a factory  from 2 locations each with half staff capacity ATM on top of which  organizing  the 2nd  half of operation move factory with no loss of production  200+km away. So I am doing my best to try and work all of this out without bothering him too much, but he is the only one that can answer most of the questions.


 The Youngest's main concern is will we still have  internet,, more importantly will we have  broad band still.


We only have 35 days left and we will be homeless and I find out today that the rental lady wont even be available till mid next week.


So  everyone  I am giving fair warning, approach today only with chocolate and with care and dont mind the  melting mess in the corner its only me having yet another melt down.

cave woman days are numbered

Ok so  I know I am a bit behind the times here, but today I got my eye brows waxed for the first time.  Never used tweezers either. My sister in law showed me threading on my eyebrows last week and we both almost wet ourselves to my reaction to  hair being forcibly removed from my body.


Its been about 2 hours and my eyes are still smarting  over the blessed event, my brows  (the part where once there was hair) are still tingling  like they have been assaulted and scorched. I know I should toughen up  and be a girl about it,  but we actually do this to ourselves every month.. On purpose!!!


I should just be thankful I am in my 40's before this has become an issue. I know women that have been doing this to themselves since their early teens, lip too! my lip is quivering in fear right now just  thinking about that. Just one more  thing to thank menopause for I think. 


In the past 2 years I have had some changes to my body that have not been in the manual. for starters I have always been really proud of my eye brow shape and its hair count. I may of been a little smug in fact when I heard  women talking about welts and hiding their faces with big bulky sunnies. I have a birthmark with small mole on my cheek, never has it concerned me my entire adult life, but this past year I seem to have hair coming out of everywhere! My brows have revolted on me and made me think a cave woman is looking back at me when putting make up on. For the first time since I was a teen I have become self concious about the mark on my face I had all but forgotten was there.

The young lass that  performed her task today was amazed that someone got to my age without needing it done.. To her credit she sweetly informed me I didn't need much taken off at all, just a little reshaping. I laid down closed my eyes and let her go for it, my only request was I don't walk out with brows so thin you may as well  not have any. She promptly slapped on the warm substance between the 2 offending hairy caterpillars and I thought, well this is lovely and relaxing, then OMFreakingG My eyes began to water, and then the lovely warm stuff goes on my eye lids(just above) and I am thinking that's it I am about to get my lids ripped off.


Ok so it wasn't THAT extreme but  if you all remember back to your very first time ever and you get the picture. So then the  plucker things come out and I am thinking if this goes on much longer  I may have to be a guy and say ouch that hurts. In truth I think I was in there less than 3 minutes, but  it felt like the dungeon of doom  and I had been in there for at least 10. worse I was paying for the pain, does that make me  a sadist or  just into BDSM? 


So off I go back out the front I pay her and thank her, (what's with that) I leave thinking already ok so what date do I need to get myself redone and smile to myself thinking that my cave woman days are numbered.


Tomorrow I am off to get my eye lash extensions.  I am really looking forward to the experience. From what I have seen on you tube links it looks like a really relaxing way to spend an hour or so. This was the reason behind getting the  hairy beasts under control again. There was no point  having gorgeous eyes  then being framed by an out of control hedge was there!

Have a fabulous Friday

Whoo hoo, put on your happy face, its Friday.. Well it is here anyway. I cant believe how fast this week has gone. Our first home open this weekend and I am both excited and nervous. what if it sells straight away, what if no one comes to see it? What will be will be, but I cant help but have those thoughts from time to time. Still  Today is here and I am going to enjoy the moment.


 Today will be one of those days where  I am not sure if its appropriate to smile, laugh or be happy though. Today I am meeting with my mum and family  and we scatter my nan's ashes where she requested them to be scattered. She has been gone  a couple of months now so the healing process has begun, yet I think  this is a very important step for many of  my family members, to help them move on. 

Its funny how many different ways there are for people deal with loss isn't it. some are able to move on a little easier and continue to live life appreciating the time spent with the person. while some internalize, keeping their thoughts and feelings to themselves. Then there are others that continue to talk about  the person gone talking about them  more than  they ever did when still here. None are considered wrong ways to  mourn. Everyone has a different coping tool, mainly entwined with their spirituality and beliefs.


On the outside  to others I seem to be able to move on fairly quickly. Its not that I don't  think about them any more, quite the opposite in fact. When someone passes I tend to think of them much more. For me though constantly talking about the person passed is not the way to go. Believe it or not there truly are things I dont talk about. I understand that for others its the only way they can cope and by talking about them in a small way they are still with them. But when I talk about the person I want to talk about them in a celebratory way not think about the things they will now miss or would love to see so I tend to distance myself from those that need to do  that. That's just my coping tool. 


I do my crying when they pass  and at the funeral then  I have purged my sadness its time to think of the persons gift to life and myself. Seeing others crying  upsets me terribly so going to  see the ashes scattered is  going to be a really hard thing for me to do today. I am going in support for my mum and extended familyand I do so gladly, but a part of me wants to run kicking and screaming saying hell no I aint going.

Mandurah estuary Western Astralia

Anyway hopefully today wont be all that bad and there has been enough time since her passing that everyone is just happy to share a moment thinking of lovely moments shared with Nan over her  lifetime. In Truth I think nan would get a kick out of  today. Out on  a boat, on a hot day, taking in the smell of the ocean/estuary, listening to the  sounds of life all around and  surrounded by family. I can picture her face, smiling and just loving the moment for what it is. What more can a person ask for as their send off!


Anyway what ever your plans for the weekend and for today. Please have a fabulous time. Life is for living and appreciating. By doing this you honour those who have passed before you.

I am not wonder woman

Very frustrated today. mainly at myself and my physical limitations these days. Gone are the days when I never asked anyone for help with anything physical. Now I still dont ask, it just doesn't get done and that is why  I am in such a state now I think.


It goes against every fibre of my being to ask for help. I have always been so fiercely independent. Some days I think my mum is right when she tells me off for being too independent for my own good. I cant help it, I just need to feel in control of my destination and know pass or fail, I did it on my own merits. Mind you I am pretty sure I learnt that trait from her, and I dont really think of it as a failing, more a strength most days.


Lately though I am  realizing that I just dont  have the energy any more to pretend all is ok with my body. I am past caring  that people think I am just being lazy because my housework isnt done. and I am truly beyond  the point where I smile while they sit passing judgement on me when all they have to do  is open their eyes and see I am in real trouble at the moment.


Getting this house ready is killing me. Am I being dramatic? possibly. A night of extreme pain  will do that to a person. Especially when they  have been dealing with differing levels of pain constantly for months and years. Because you dont have a nasty gash, or a cast for all to see people think, just get on with it. we all have pain sometimes. Some days I feel like walking naked around these same people so they can see the mess that is my stomach after my surgery. Then maybe they may get that I am going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life. Then My stubborn fiery nature comes back to the surface and I feel like saying, kiss my  plus sized A*.


Perhaps I am reading more into words and looks than really is there. Maybe its my own feelings of inadequacy that are making me feel  people are passing judgement in which case, does that mean I am passing judgement on myself and that's why I get angry? All I know is if one more person asked when we will be ready to put the house on the market... I may actually go postal. If its that important for them, then they can bloody well come  and give us a hand, if not mind their own bees wax. The house will go on the market when  we are done and we will be done when its done, Hubby is not superman, and I have recently had to accept  I am not wonder woman.

As much as I wish I were ♥.

Its only one minute

11/11/2011 is remembrance day in Australia and many other countries. Its a time to reflect and remember sacrifices made and still being made. A day we give thanks to those still serving.

I have seen some people complain because they are about to be bombarded with red poppys on their walls and pages. I wonder if they realize  when they say that they may of  really hurt a retired soldier  that lost many mates or a widow that never got to say goodbye. Have they thought about  the many wives and husbands reading what they have just written, that wish their spouses were coming home tonight so they could complain about them leaving their dirty socks on the floor. What about the kids that never got to share their birthday with their mum or their dad.
I had both sides grandparents fight in ww2. I have had a cousin in Somalia. Living in a naval  base city I have had friends in the gulf not to mention other parts of the world. All of them came back for which I am grateful but each of them left a piece of themselves out there. They each saw things we couldnt even begin to  imagine. So for me tomorrow is one of 2 days in the year I think of each of them and give thanks to everything they have given and thanks to the powers that be that each of them came back. 
Where ever you are or what ever your beliefs about whats going on around the world at the moment, please take a moment to remember. Whether your in the shops or at work, please stop at 11am and take a minute out of your time to give your thanks. Please take the time to teach your kids and grand kids that for one minute  its time to think not speak. 

I think we owe our men and women that much dont you. after all its only one minute of our day. Couldnt we all  do with taking a minute out of our day to  just stop anyway!

Having a Sooky laa laa day

I have definitely hit the wall with our renovations. The place looks like a bomb exploded, I am exhausted, feel like crap and hurt all over(even my fingertips). The more we look the more we see what needs to be fixed or prettied up to sell, but I have put my foot down, no more starting jobs. The simple facts are we could go on for weeks still finding things wrong with this house because frankly,,, it sucks.


I was feeling sentimental about  selling this house after 18 years, but its safe to say after the past few weeks I will probably dance a small jig the day we walk out of here. 2012 is going to be a corker of a year cause we wont be here any more. whoo hoo.


I am so exhausted from doing so much each day I crawl into bed at night, then I cant sleep cause I keep thinking about all the things that still need to be done that I physically cant do any more and then I wake up feeling like I did 10 rounds with Mike and he won! That will never do. I get depressed everytime I go to the bank to take yet more money out for this money pit and yeah I know it will help get a better price, but honestly I would get far more satisfaction right now buying a few pretty sticks of  dynamite and having a nice big  house blowingup party.

The past few days I have had Green Days song stuck in my head Wake Me When September Ends. only I am singing December instead. I am dreading having the house on the market while we are still in here. I honestly stay awake at night dreading people coming into my home. I am just counting down the days now till we move and I dont have to have that kind of invasion of my personal space. And yes I know the irony of having a blog page  and not wanting people in my  home, but its the way I feel. Its kind of funny because when we were looking at houses 18 years ago we only looked at houses that were already emptied so it never occurred to me that I was invading someone else's privacy.


Anyway I just thought I would share my sooky laa laa day with the world since I am about to share my knickers drawer with the general population of nosey  parkers. Will be back to being positive and happy tomorrow, today though, I think I will be a halloween ghoul or be Grinch, cause all I can think of is Bah humbug!

warning - happiness at work here

I learnt a new anagram recently HML and FML Hate my life and F* my life. It has totally blown me away that these are even being used let alone what they are being used in context with. It obviously originated from teens,- It has that whoa is me I am a teen so I must be dramatic and cool by saying how horrid my life is- feel about it after all. I expect it from teens. My own teen said it the other day (with the result being a discussion with mum) But it has me wondering when did it become cool  and a popularity thing for grown ups to do it?

We all have bad days, most of us have had a grumble or 2 from time to time, its called life, bad stuff happens and some times we hit the explode button, but seriously have we hit hate my life as the bar? Can I also ask why being stuck in traffic or having to work back makes your life sucks soo bad? I mean really is that the most dramatic thing going on in your life, cause honestly if it is, can we swap lives?

The thing that gets me is how many people fighting cancer, other life threatening illnesses or helping a loved one through such a time are the ones rejoicing life. Sometimes when I think of how much life problems are weighing me down I just remember  the times when I was in hospital with my son. As ill as he was, there was always hope with us, that we would ALL be leaving the hospital. While walking around the hallways, I saw  too many mums and dads lost in a world of grief. In the wards I saw dads brushing their daughters hair and talking softly to them, knowing full well this time she would not be coming home again. Yet each of these people all took the time to thank the staff and showing gratitude to the smallest bit of kindness.

I have been on a bit of a crusade lately about feeling sorry for yourself and taking responsibility for your own happiness. Possibly because I was starting to feel it way too often myself lately so I know how easy it is to get caught up in the whole its all too much emotion. Besides sometimes you feel like you shouldn't show how happy you are incase people think your gloating. Once again, why is it socially acceptable to  say life sucks, but not wow My life is just wonderful, or even my life is challenging, but I am happy with  my progress so far?

I have reminded myself that the only person that  can change my attitude is me. Its my responsibility to bring happiness  and fulfilment to my life not someone else's! If I need help its up to me to go and get it either with a dr or just talk things out with friends. If I dont like the direction I am heading,,, its the direction I took, so change it. Things are overwhelming me only because I am allowing them to. Some days I still have a mini melt down about something-Hey, I am a work in progress. Then I stop, breathe and laugh at myself and go really girl- your car wont start, is that really your biggest problem today!!! that's not a problem, its an inconvenience.

A life time of doubting and low self esteem make some days a challenge. Some days I need to remind my self that it is actually ok to be happy with where I am going in my life even if it means others are not happy about it. Their happiness is their responsibility not mine. Victim rarely looks good on anyone, so shed it if you have found yourself wearing. stop and  take responsibility for your own happiness. You will be surprised just how good  that looks on you

Achieving success and widening the comfort zone.

Why is it when we think of trying something new and challenging some of us  are in their element,  while for others,  its just too scary to even concider trying? Is it the thought of failing that stops us from trying in the first place? Perhaps its the thought of what others may think that makes us hesitate. All I know is I have been a play it safe dont take giant leaps outside of your comfort zone kind of gal all my life.

I see some people and look on with  a mixture of envy and excitement for them when I see them reach for their dreams, stepping out of their comfort zone, laughing and saying well I learnt not to do it that way again when they messed up. Funny enough I dont see it as failure when they dont get it right the first time, yet the thought of myself trying something new and not being good at it terrifies me out of my skin. So why am I so encouraging to everyone else and not myself! Why is it I expect myself to be perfect at anything I try when I know its not possible to be so?

The past few years I have been thinking about  where I want my life to head and every single direction means stepping out of my little zone and widening it.  Every time I  think yes I am going to do it, that negative little voice in my head says  you cant do it. You wont be good enough at it. Its only been recently that I have come to realize my whole life has been about learning something new and widening my zone and so far I am still here to say well so far so good. Sometimes I messed up and it may not of been pleasant but hey I am still here. Every one didnt run from the building screaming oh no she's here run for your lives!

When I  started up my Rantings blog, that was the real beginning of widening my comfort zone. I barely slept the night I set it up. I was so scared people would look at my silly little rantings and thoughts and think wow, what a weird completely uneducated woman. To start off I was so careful with what I said in case I offended anyone, even though I had decided to make it about me and my feelings with no apologies. with in a few weeks I realized no one had started yelling at me yet to stop boring them and I gained confidence in myself. (I may still bore people, but I no longer take ownership of that, that is their  problem not mine).
Yesterday I got serious in operation break  out of  my safety zone and  decided to head towards a goal that will mean  working from home and earning money where ever I happen to be living all without putting too much of a strain on my body. Today I actually picked up my courage, phoned and booked a seat in a course to  set the ball in motion. Its the first bit of study I have done since I left school after graduating year 10, 25 years ago so that in its self is daunting. I am waiting on the email to come so I can go down and pay for it before I lose that courage.

In some ways its liberating  taking that step. it doesnt seem much to some, but for me fear was a huge barrier stopping me from  heading in a direction that I actually wanted to head in  in my teens, but lacked the self confidence in myself to  try even back then. Now days I have to stop and remember how far I have already come and how much I have already learned.

I had family tell me when pregnant that I would be a hopeless mum because I am not maternal enough. I think my sons are living proof that that wasnt true. I had people tell me my marriage wouldnt last, coming up 19 years later I think that is self evident that it will. I had Drs tell me that I was a hypochondriac that needed to lose weight, until Finally in surgery 6 massive tumors were pulled out of my belly the size of them had in fact fractured my spine in 2 places, making the surgeeon wonder how I could even walk when he actually saw what was going on. So I think I have shown everyone that I have gumption.
Now I just need to convince myself and not let the few negative nancy's around me bring me back down again. I am full of hope and motivation that I will stay outside of my comfort zone and achieve personal success.

Choose Joy

I read something today that saddened me greatly. It also  made me feel a little stumped at just how cruel some human beings can be to each other sometimes. I have never really understood the whole wishing harm on someone.. I know we get angry and wish we hadn't met someone, or we wished they would get out of our lives. To me wishing  a wish is  dangerous business if you wish in the negatives.

Number 2 rule in my beliefs is what you give out, you get back 3 fold. So it stands to reason that  you should always give out  positives and that goes for wishes as well. Possibly its the passive aggressive in me but I think why  spend  hours thinking negatively about how to get even with someone when you can get a far better result getting on with life and showing them that their feelings don't matter to you. Once I get over the shock of having to deal with someone  that has hurt me. I tend to think ok I will get revenge by wishing you a happy life, just without me in it. On the whole it works. Some people, its a little more complicated. We cant just get out of our lives some family members because of the political fall out within families, But with anyone else we choose  whether we allow them to hurt us  and if we wish to hand them over that power any more.

I figure if you wish the person that has  hurt you happiness then you get back happiness 3 times bigger.. what better revenge is that!!

wishing someone  happiness.. and meaning it has another effect. It allows you to let go of the hurt and negative feelings you have accumulated. This is something You do need to do. The longer you store up that hurt, the more it permeates  through you and everything/one around you. Every one of us knows at least one bitter, twisted and lonely old person. Think about that when you hold on to your anger and hurt feelings.

I'm not talking about forgiving either. Some things cannot be forgiven and no one should expect you to if you don't want to. There is a huge difference between  letting go of the hurt and forgiving a person in my book. I let go of the pain when I get to the point where I need to but I don't forgive the action. To forgive the action to me is to say what happened/was said is acceptable. By letting go of the pain I am letting go of that persons power over me. By letting that person out of my life if needs be, I am disallowing them to ever have that power again.

Beyond that I think leave the negative feelings or getting even to Karma.. she's an exert at things like that and has a long long memory. If you have someone in your life that is hurtful and cruel, get them out of your life, cause believe me life is far better without them in it.  If your worried that they will spread hurtful things about you, ask yourself this.Do you really need the people in your life to make you happy if they are going to believe half truths and out right bitchy gossip?

Choose Joy and happiness leave the rest to karma,, thats why she is such a bitch at times =oP

survived

Well its almost time for Oscars vacation to end. We made it. We still like each other too wow, that's  a surprise. Sometimes  having vacations together makes me think of  retirement time.. I think I may have to find myself a job when it happens =oP. I dont want to be the couple that bicker in the shopping center because they spend far too much time together and  dont even realize they are bickering any more. I dont think I want to go insane from the constant having to  dance to his rhythm, I like my tune  far too much to change rhythms mid dance.  I dont really think I will have the  energy to  dig a big enough hole in the vegie patch either!

Ramblings & Musings at 3am

Well its 3am and as usual I am wide awake and have been for the past hour or so. The past week I have been  waking up between 1 and 3 am with out fail. Probably doesn't help that normally I am going to bed around 10pm but with renovations wearing me out, I am all but dead on my feet by 6-7pm each night. I know I have always been an early riser, but this is a bit ridiculous. Its also a case of I wake up and my brain is buzzing with activity. Its like it  forgot to shut down over night. Mostly on my mind has been the stresses of the up and coming sale of the house. Will it  be ready in time? Will the renovations/repairs be good enough? But also on my mind is my Nan and my family.

This morning in particular I have waken and the first thing in my mind is family. Not surprising, Today is Nan's funeral. Its kind of mixed feelings about this and pat of me feels guilty for feeling some of them. Nan suffered. She was in great pain at the end but still she soldiered through it for some unknown reason she fought death till the end. So in a lot of ways there was a relief when she passed over. I only ever remember feeling relief that someone had passed once before and that was for a whole other reason, so feeling relief  just seems wrong. Every one says that's normal given her circumstances and that she is now resting in peace.

Unfortunately all that does is make me think deep thoughts on death.. I know curiosity killed the cat, but man I really really want to know whats behind door number 4 before I get there. Or is that just the female in me? I have always had a bit of a curiosity about this matter. It used to freak my folk out when I was growing up with some of the questions I would ask. RIP has always been a term I have not quite understood. Probably because sleeping has never been my forte. I actually get jealous of my hubby because  he can fall asleep mid sentence at night and sleeps soundly for a minimum of 8 hours each night. Meanwhile if I get 6 hours of tossing and turning after spending about an hour or 2 training my brain to shut down I am over the moon.

Is it normal that I wake up this morning dreading today beginning because I know where it will end? Part of me it sitting here looking out the window willing the sun to not come up just so I dont have to go through this torture called funerals. Watching loved ones falling apart is heart breaking. listening to eulogies lets me know about a character of the loved one I didn't know and makes me feel guilty for not  making more of an effort to get to know better. Sometimes I think part of the funerals function is for us to absolve our own guilt for things we could of and should of, but didn't do when they were still here.  Why is it though, that as much as we dread going to these things and as much as they completely wipe us out emotionally, why is it then that we always feel a sense of peace and actually feel better than we have for days before? Is it because we  set ourselves up so much for the coming stresses and when its over its a relief or is it a more spiritual  thing? Yes more deep thoughts before the sun comes up.

Part of me is worried about the family gathering afterward too. Dont get me wrong, I do love my family, it is purely all about me here(pardon the pun). For all my leaps and bounds forward personally and spiritually, when I get in my family gatherings, I become the socially inadequate, shy, backward outcast teen again and yes I do know that's all in my mind. I know most of my family love me for me, the rest dont know me well enough. That's mainly my choice. When the kids were little it was great having family get together's I was too busy running after them and caring for them to let it get to me too much. but now they are teens they kind of fend for themselves and just congregate with their cousins. So the old anxieties rise up again and I start to feel like I have split personalities. The one that is me warts and all working on feeling comfortable with who she is and the one that has to be what I think family think I should be. That can get quite exhausting trying to figure out which one is the real one and for the life of me I cant figure out why I torture myself so much other than I must enjoy it. While I work it out though, I will remember what one of my uncles told me when I was a kid and it has helped me through many anxious moments. Keep smiling.

No matter what keep smiling. If I feel threatened smile. If I feel out of my depth, smile. If I feel so shy I feel I may actually turn inside out  from trying to hide myself, just keep smiling.  If I keep smiling then before long  my brain will kick in and I will start to relax and see the situation for what it is. Just a family  getting together and sharing some laughs and tears. Just a family full of flaws just like I am all smiling to cover their own insecurities. Nothing scary about that huh!

That little pearl of wisdom has got me through high school, any gathering, family or otherwise, job interviews and attacks from people I used to trust alike. Nothing bugs a person  trying to bring you down more quite like you smiling. So high school - ex friend, same diff! they then have a choice, step up the attacks and  risk showing  their bullying tactics enough for others to turn away from them or give up and move to their next victim. As to gatherings, Crowds scare the living daylights out of me and surprisingly  when its people I know its scarier what if they see through me. What if they see how scared I really am. What if  they think how pathetic I am.. See with people I dont know I dont care what they think too much, its just the energy I pick up from them that scares me. With friends I have shown my true self to them and they have accepted me with open arms so unless there is a stranger in the mix I am good. Sadly I am still not quite over that hurdle of family accepting me or not, not being my problem yet. So I revert back to my  shy teen self and just keep smiling like I am as confident in my skin as I seem. then tomorrow I will be useless because I have used up my reserve energy to keep my  bubble around me for a situation that really doesn't need it. SO you see why I often need my hugme jacket and quiet corner now dont you!!!

Well I have probably either bored you or made you think I have a one way ticket on the cuckoo express happening so I will sign off and go make yet another cup of tea to fortify me through the day. with luck I will be so tired come 2pm I will be too exhausted to  worry about any of the a fore mentioned stresses and just go with the flow. I may even surprise myself and actually relax so much at the wake I forget to be shy and be me. Wouldn't that be awesome =o)

Being myself is exhausting, but worth the entertainment I give myself!

Care factor - Zero

Ok this possibly wont be a popular blog but I am just going to say it anyway.  As always if you dont like what I have to say,, the little x at the top is there for your convenience=o) I dont really care if you agree or disagree, its just really bugging me how people feel they can say what they want but if some one says something different then whoa baby they must be doing the devils work!!

I am constantly dumbfounded by comments I hear sometimes. Ignorant, bigoted, downright hurtful comments by people. People making comments half the time about things they know absolutely nothing about yet feel they need to push their views onto every other person around them. From views on  race to religion, From pro choice to sexuality.

I dont see the point really. I mean  if you dont like a certain lifestyle or persons choice they make why do people feel the need to pass judgement? Why is it anyone's business but their own what they do with their life if its not hurting anyone else but them? If you dont like what they do or believe, dont hang with them, and dont do what they do, and Don't pass judgement,, Are any one of us really that perfect we can afford to throw stones??? I am not passing judgement on anyone's spirituality or religious beliefs, but surely in this day and age we can all respect that  there are many religions we have the freedom to choose what we believe without fear of  belittling and ridicule. I never discuss my religious choice or spirituality, not because I am ashamed, but because to me its private, I dont feel the need to flaunt it nor preach to others about my choice.

In this day and age I am still struggling to understand  how people can  be so thoughtless and uncaring towards their own fellow human beings just because of the colour of their skin or where they came from. Personally I dont care what colour your from or what planet you came from, as long as you treat me and my family with respect, you and me are good!

And whats this crap about gay being a lifestyle choice and they will burn in hell, Honestly do people really think most gay folk woke up one morning and thought, I want to make my life difficult and have people judge me all the time. The facts are a lot of gay people went through a period in their life where they wished  they could be straight just so they could fit in and feel normal. Some do live  a straight life still in this day and age for rear of being found out.

Then you have people making comments like "this is *** my gay friend".. I dont get that. Do they introduce everyone of their friends by their sexuality? Having a gay friend isn't an accessory item in your must haves for the season. If you are really accepting of that persons sexuality why do you need to advertise it like its the only reason your friends with them. Instead just accept them for them, and let them live their life normally like you and me... cause you know what if you stop looking at the gay thing, you will probably find a unique caring person that deserves to be loved for themselves not their trendiness status.

Now to my pet disrespect dislike. The whole Pro choice debate.. to be clear here before the righteous feel the need to attack me, I have never had an abortion, nor do I think I would of had one unless there was a medical reason, but that is my choice! I know of many women that have had them for various reasons in their life and its always been a very hard and heart breaking decision for them to make, so people going on about women having an abortion as a contraception are just bloody stupid in my book.

Never have I ever heard each of these women say that's my safe sex nor have I ever heard of them talk about it as a joke. Each of them has to live with the choice they made and it has  been hard on each of them for different reasons. For that matter people that go on and preach to these women and tell them they are going to burn in hell or throw the M word at them.. well they are not respectful people and when it comes down to it, who do you think is going to be found wanting in the righteous or christian stakes when it comes time to do the math at the precious gates they so desperately want to get past.

Yep I am pretty passionate about this one. Its bullying in its grossest form and not something I can stand.. If someone doesn't agree with it,, then dont have one, but dont dare presume to think you are the judge or juror and think I wont say something about it, because no body is perfect, we all have at least one deep dark secret we wish we could turn back time and change the outcome. So unless you are willing to  speak up and tell everyone what it is and have them all pass judgement on you,You dont get a say.

*Hopefully I havent alienated too many folk with this rant> I know several people I know that will disagree with my feelings on many of these thoughts, but you know what that's cool. everyone's entitled to their own opinion. Just like I was entitled to mine.

You'll find me rocking in the fetal position

So we are renovating in our home for the next 2 weeks.  Well sort of renovating, We are finishing jobs off that have been started over the years and never quite finished off and fixing  things that have broken and never  had the time, money or inclination to  have mended. It took a couple of days to get Oscar motivated. He  needed to recharge his batteries after a few very stressful months at work. Yesterday was the first day he got stuck into things, but still he fought it by doing other jobs not on the list,,,, his reasoning they needed to be done,, my reasoning they will need to be done again the week before the house goes on the market any way. So not the harmonious start I was hoping for, but still at least my part has a huge wedge in it, not that it  really looks like it.  

 I am seriously over painting already and I am not even half way through it. Just thinking of picking up another paint brush makes me want to howl like a baby. The Jobs to do list is massive and all bitsy and needing a breaks in between so at the moment it feels like we arent getting anywhere and non of the jobs have been crossed off the list yet. I dont know if we will end up getting the  kitchen done now. We are just going to run out of time.

Tomorrow is designated day off day. We are taking the kids to the Royal show. Not that that will be a day off by any means. I am exhausted after a shopping trip, the past few days of doing these jobs are taking their toll on me physically so walking around for 6 odd hours in massive crowds(my idea of torture) I am sure to hit tomorrow night and need to turn every noisy appliance off and  just rock in the fetal position in my room for the following 8 hours =oP Can you tell I am excited about going! Oh I am sure parts of it will be fun. Seeing all the animals will definitely be a highlight and I am sure seeing it through our kids eyes will make the place seem  a little magical.

Today on the list though is more door frame painting. Finally  mission brown door frames will be a thing of the past in this house! Patio frame is only half way through( not a fan of ladders they freak me out a little so only doing short spurts of the patio). Once again mission brown patios will be no more. Hopefully Oscar will of bought the  2 sheets of super 6 today and I can paint them ready to go into the ground. And with luck he will of picked up the wooden slats to go onto the patio so The boys and I can paint them. That will mean half the painting will finally be done and half my jobs on the list. 

I know my body enough to know come the end of this week I will barely be able to move and be so exhausted I need to get a massive chunk out of my list done or next week I wont be able to get them done and I will be back at anxiety  station again right now I am on the train called Rising Tension. The place looks like a bomb has hit it. My washing is piling up, the floors are in need of  a good mopping, there are boxes everywhere I feel like we are going backwards not forwards in getting this house up to scratch ready for sale. My dreams at night consist of packing boxes  towering over me and  paint brush weapons.

Those of you that renovate houses as a hobby or find it relaxing, what's your trick? Cause honestly, I doubt I will have any hair left by the end of it all. In fact you may find me sitting in the corner with my hug me jacket on rocking away and talking to all of my friends that reside in my head. How do you cope with the frustrations of jobs taking forever to finish, How on earth do you stay motivated and mostly, How do you stay married after it all!!!!!

A very Smurfy day

What a Smurfabulous day today was. It started out pretty slow. I spent the morning painting the back fence. since the big ol ugly palms were  cut down the ugly fence needed to be finished off now we can get to it. gun metal grey is the colour. but it looks steel blue to me. It took a while with the cool morning for the first coat and I was loosing motivation. but I got the second coat done as far as I can until the last 2 sheets of super6 are fixed(reason the big ol ugly palms had to go). Was getting a little frustrated with the lack of  movement with everyone else in the house and then Oscar reminded me he had organized to catch up with an old friend.

So the kids and I along with Princess Sasha decided to make the most of such a beautiful afternoon and went for a walk/swim at the beach. Considering it was meant to rain all day today, we donned our hats and sunscreen and  even I went ankle deep in the ocean(tad frigid for me). Leaving the  kids to swim and mess around, Princess Sasha and I had done our bit for our butts and tums so we sat and soaked up the rays while I read for a while.. It was bliss. After that we raced home and got ourselves sorted in record time for the movie's. Finally I got to  see my beloved Smurfs.

To say as a child I was obsessed with smurfs was an understatement. I collected every single smurf there was to collect. I bought stuffed smurfs with my pocket money. I watched the cartoons religiously. I knew every smurf's name by sight. So when the movie come out I was  determined to to see it. to day was the 3rd attempt to see it and I was not disappointed.. I sang along and danced in my seat in the cinema. I didnt care there was only 1 other family in there so I had fun.

On the way home while the sun was getting ready to set, we got to see the most impressive cloud formations I have seen in a while. the kids and I were mesmerized by the glowing and pure fluffiness of them. Then we got home and what do I find.. Oscar putting the finishing touches to dinner.

Yep, today really was Smurftasticly magical. Just the  lift each of us needed. I think I can confidently  add today in the memory banks as  one of the top moments to remember in old age.

That'll Do

I am just navigating myself around the new  Blog format. It looks brighter and cheerful to me, but I fear like the old style it will take me a little while to  work out the kinks and cogs. Never the less, I love the opportunity to learn something new, how ever long it takes me. I have never been particularly gifted when it comes to computers  or  any technology for that matter. Just when I start to get the hang of my mobile phone it starts to die and I have to go buy a new one.

Some days My computer and I have a love hate relationship. I love it and would be completely lost without it, but then it freezes or  doesn't do what I tell it to do. Then I want to smash it into a billion pieces and then stomp on it for good measure like a 3 year old having her best tantrum performance yet.

But then I  lose that insane need to kill and maim it and we go back to  loving each other again and  sit in blissful harmony for a few minutes until the next moment when i start arguing and telling it that it is a bloody idiot.. cause we all know its the computers fault not our own in ability to grasp something that our 5year kids figure out within seconds!

Mostly its good, I like change. It gives us an opportunity to grow and learn something new. Our minds are forever expanding with knowledge from every angle and we can either try to keep up and learn to go with the flow, or we can chain up every electronic appliance we own and  use them as an anchor  for a boat and go live  like a hermit, never having to feel completely inadequate about our intelligence levels. As frustrated as I get at my own braininess or lack there of- yeah I know its not really a word- I also  am extremely stubborn and competitive with myself. Tell me I cant work it out and I will sit there until I have. If I doubt myself I have to prove to myself that I can. sometimes its a good thing, other times its downright exhausting. 

Perhaps I continue to  persevere more and just go with the flow with my computer and with all the different site changes because for a long time it was my link with the outside world. When My oldest spent so much time ill I felt trapped in my home. We couldnt go anywhere. Hubby got to go to work every day so saw grown ups. Youngest got to go to school at the very least so had social time with  other kids. Even The Lad when in hospital had  social time with other kids through the starlight  foundation, and when well enough  was at school. But I found myself suffocating. I had lost  many friendships either they couldn't deal with a kid that had to have so much special attention or I tended to alienate them. Only a very few have stood by me the whole way through and I think no matter where we are in the world we will always have a connection. Still they have their own families and problems  to deal with so there were times when I did feel very alone and stagnating.

Through the net I found a gateway to the world and to people.  On line I was able to have grown up conversations with other people, mostly other mums, but a few guys  made me laugh and I have treasured those friendships over the years. they have helped give me back perspective in a lot of way with the stresses and a males perception which sometimes  really helped my marriage.

So when I see people moaning and complaining about the changes on line in the various sites I kind of think, really! Is that the worst thing in your life? We have a gateway to a world, meeting people we never would ever had the opportunity to meet otherwise. We are being exposed to other cultures and learning about different things every time we go on line. We also have a choice, either go with the flow and learn something new or  log off and pull the power plug and go get all the jobs done we are all putting off by being on line in the first place .... You know I am  right there dont ya =o)

So while I finish off acquainting myself with this new format I will pat my computer and in my best Shrek voice say "That'll Do puter, That'll Do".

whoo hoo Its Friday

Whoo hoo Its Friday. Dont mind me, Just doing the happy dance. You see its also the end of term 3  in WA. school holidays and yep I am one of those odd mums that actually enjoys them. I get so much more done over holidays, no stopping   to constantly  drop off and pick up kids.  I am lucky enough to have kids that help out where needed as well. and yes I do realize that quality in a kid is like gold and I appreciate  it completely♥

Topping it all off  Oscar starts 2 weeks vacation as well. I will get back to you  in 14 days as to how I am fairing with this last one, but we have so much to do around the house before it goes on the market I am sure we will be far too busy to get narky at each other getting in our way...I hope =o)

Perhaps I should go check my arsenic  stores and be sure to check I still have that bag of lime dust to make sure I am prepared for every contingency. Been a while since I have had to  offer Oscar an arsenic  laced coffee cocktail.

Actually come to think of it. I guess I will have to brush my hair and put some make up on before Noon with Oscar and the boys home. probably  wont be able to get about the house in my Daggy baggies and slippers either.. wait  I was happy about the holidays wasn't I? Yep thats right I was, phew that's a relief.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone. 

welcome

Well it seems I have  managed to  intrigue or entertain a few folk now. How cool is that. Here I was all these years thinking how odd I was and it turns out  so many others think like I do quite often. I am truly honoured that so many people take the time out of their busy lives to read anything I have to say let alone stop and pass on a comment  and notes of encouragement. So I thought I would take this moment to just  tell my story. Get a cuppa, put your feet up, we may be here a while=o) I'll try not to bore anyone♥

The oldest sister of 2 other sisters I was born and grew up in Western Australia. The majority of my formative years were spent swimming in the Murray River or Gallivanting throughout the tiny holiday community East of Mandurah. It was an awesome place to grow up. Only a hand full of other permanent residents as kids, we had free reign of the place for most of the year. We never had the inclination to get up to mischief or  one of the retired couples or a errant mum would of caught us out and news of our misadventures would surely of made it back to our folks before we even got back home.

I went to the same primary school then on to the same local high school never really having to get over my acute shyness because  I grew up with the same circle of friends for the entire  time, But that was ok, because around my friends I felt  secure enough to be me most of the time.

I met My husband at work. When he started working at our  location all the girls in the building were a buzz at the new Apprentice. He was cute, which meant I knew I didn't have a shot with so many  better looking, less shy girls around with their eye on him Little did I know he didn't even notice the other girls. Still,  Other than  the odd shy hello I barely spoke to him. Only  few months later that changed though at our staff Christmas function... Yes I know how cliché is that! The rest as they say is history♥

Moving on marriage came then we moved on to the regulation mortgage, the cat, the dog. Along come the regulation kids. 2 boys they are the apple of my eye when they aren't driving me to distraction. I have never been what you would call the  gooing and gaaing kind of mum. I read books to them yes, but they were a mixture of books I found interesting as well as  books  they would enjoy. So sometimes they got a romance or heard all about Ayla's struggle to belong. JeanM Auel fans will understand, other times they heard all about Jacks mighty adventure in the land of the giants. I sang to them, often during the day though I put on a music video and  we boogied our  little MINE NOT SO Butts off to the latest hits. then  snuggled on the couch for the fun times of Thomas the Tank engine for the oldest, or for my youngest the adventures of  Pooh and his wonderful friends.

My oldest struggled for most of his life with neurological  problems. Sometimes it was life threatening. for a decade My husband and I didn't know which way was up and more than once we were told to prepare and say good bye to our child. in 9 years of his life he had 12 brain surgeries and  for a lot of that time dealt with massive pressure on the brain issues. As a consequence he  has  minor brain damage which is treated successfully with medication.

As You can imagine this put some pressure on  our marriage, but we are both stubborn people thankfully and neither were prepared to admit defeat. The old saying this too shall pass has never been more relevant than that period of time with our relationship. If anything  the way we dealt with  the strains and stresses of every day life served to keep us together and to remind each other  of what we really wanted. It certainly wasnt what any of our family agree'd with or practised, but it worked for us. I am talking about separate vacations of course. Once  a year Hubby went away with his mates on a fishing expedition. As much liquor was consumed as bait was used, but he always came back after a week or 2 relaxed and happy to be with us. I went down south with the kids a couple of times a year to a magical town called Denmark. There I took the kids bush walking, wandered through the town and found my centre. within a few days I was back to being able to cope with my world.

This of course sent certain family members in a state each time, because as far as they were concerned If we holidayed separately then, we must be either unfaithful to each other or  planning to split. Nothing could of been further  from the truth. We are both fairly independent people. Both of us value our own time highly and both of us seek solitude often. As different as we are in our likes and dislikes, fundamentally we are similar people. We are as different as night and day, yet without each other we cant bring life to earth and help it to flourish. You hear of people saying they have their soul mate when they think of their partner. I think of the earth the sun and the moon. I cant explain it any other way.

Just under 3 years ago after a couple of years of bliss with  the kids  health being better and less trips needed to the children's hospital, we had the rude shock of my diagnosis of Ovarian cancer and cervical cancer.Once again  it was time to batten down the hatches. For the past 2 years I have had my life turned upside down and inside out. Learning to cope with the  daily struggles of  surgical menopause. Dealing with the loss of  my chance of ever  having another child. Learning  how to  put up with the never ending pain some days  from massive scar tissue. Not to mention  finding the  strength to go on when people close to me make thoughtless and hurtful comments that crush me to the core. All of these have take their toll on my  sanity and some days I  find myself teetering on the edge of the abyss. But I am getting there. One day at a time. My naturally perky  and positive nature ensures I am never down for long. Each time I pull my self back out of that rotten hole I sing the happy dance and thumb my nose at life singing nah nah . I win  I win.

I never understood where I got my view of life being a battle and a game to never stop playing. Until I spent a couple of days with my Nan, who is nearing the end of her life. Many would of given up by now and gone on to the other side when they saw the light or the angles as My nan calls them each time. The Dr's are stumped as to how she is still here, but no, each day she is tickled pink that she beat the angles again. I hope I always look at life like that, but now when I think about it, I will always think about my nan and  think,  yep nan we are still beating them angels♥

Well that is about all I  have  to say on  the subject of me... pretty straight forward. Nothing much to see. I am your average  plain Jain gal with the normal issues in life and the normal dreams. If I give  moments of pleasure or entertainment in some ones life each day, then I feel I have accomplished something positive and a piece of me travels through the universe forever. I figure each piece should be a positive one if I am going to put it out there. Its become important to me  that every day I do something positive in someone s life and  make a difference for them, even if it is to just put a smile on their soul for a few minutes. possibly why I love my little job so much. One day of the week my client walks into her house and feels cared for.

Have a beautiful day every one and try to do one small thing for some body else today to make a difference in their life. Call a lonely relative and ask them how they are. Smile  at a stranger. You will be amazed how good you feel yourself.

My grumble

Just having a grumble. I have to get it out of my head because I can feel my anger, depression and anxiety growing to the point of melt down.  Please only read on if you  really care about  the bad times as well as the good times, cause its not all about flowers and candy all of the time. I always said this was my journey  full of ups and downs.. today we are going down a huge hill, Fast! So put on your seat belt- Don't say you weren't warned




I am  constantly being told how lucky I am and how I should be so grateful, which I am. SO why is it I feel  so bad? why since my op have I had this knot in the pit in my stomach that makes me feel so sick somedays? Why if I am grateful, dont I feel it, if that makes sense. Why when they say I must be grateful do I want to  turn around and say sarcastically" oh yes cause every woman feels grateful about having her life turned completely uspide down and is ever so grateful that most days she is in pain, get dizzy spells or just feel like its all too much. "
For 2 years I am constantly told  how grateful I should feel (even by drs when I go in and say I am not coping). Like the constant living in pain  hasnt taken its toll on my moods. Because they cant see anything wrong that must mean I am  all fine. For the past year I have been told get over it by a few. Its been 2 and a half years since surgery part of me still waits to hear that they missed something every time I go in for blood results I near on pass out  while waiting then they say your bp is high you need to lose weight.
Back on topic though. I know I sound completely ungrateful here, but I don't want to hear people tell me how I should be feeling. Not once has anyone of these people telling me how grateful I should be feeling ever said You must of been so scared. Only a couple of people I know have ever openly acknowledged  this and asked how I am really feeling. never have they asked how I am coping with all the changes my body has made and lets be clear here there have been a lot of physical and mental changes that have occurred since I walked in with  all my body parts only to leave minus  some pretty important organs for a female of child bearing age. And you know what I don't want to hear well at least you had kids already. cause actually that comment little tip- doesn't really help me feel better either, it actually re enforces my  feeling of loss. It just reminds me that once again a dream has been taken away from me.
So much is going on in my life right now, the looming loss of a matriarch of the family has been on my mind a lot. I know its not helping my moods but to be honest  This frustration has been with me for quite a while... Its actually due to this coming event I am getting to the point where I need to say something. people telling us when we should be happy, when we should be grateful even when we should let go. Its not for our own good really.. its for theirs. We should be happy because people only want us to be happy all the time so they feel ok. We should feel grateful because  that way  people don't have to feel uncomfortable when we aren't. We should let go of bad feelings or even life because Its too painful for people to see us in pain. Its not always a bad thing, in some instances its needed. But when we aren't ready to feel these things  before  people think we should be ready, then  shouldn't we all be allowed to  feel what we feel without being told get over it or it could of been worse, because We do already know this and for the most part it never effects our daily life, but aren't we allowed to have moments in time where we are allowed to feel sorry for ourselves for just a while without feeling judged!

my star sign said I may upset people today. Probably should of listened.

Packing

Being busy clearing the house out and the brain has moments of being fried. We are down to just under 4 months till our move and 18 years of hoarding  has been hard to let go of. Each time I finish through the house and get back to starting again I have found I have gained so much more confidence in throwing  things out.

Started packing boxes a couple of weeks ago of things we dont use often, But I have made the decision to keep in a bid to  unclutter the house. Oscar has now gone back to wanting to sell the house so now I can  totally flip out because I had a schedule of things I needed done to sell has seriously  gotten behind schedule. Today though the butt ugly tree I have detested for 18 years went today and it really boosted my spirits. We are finally starting to see progress. whoo hoo!

The difference it has made for my motivation has been amazing. Hopefully next week the plasterer will be here to get the lads wall fixed from when we had the leaky pipe in the bathroom, then I can paint  and get carpeting down. It's all so exciting. In the mean time tomorrow I will be braving my wardrobe.

Yes I know, scary! I have gone through it several times, but I have found somehow  nothing fits in there yet again. Blankets up on the high shelf  have been pushed back up haphazardly. shoes I had  gone through and replaced in  my shoe box are over flowing again, and I rarely buy  shoes! Yes there are strange women out there like me that hate buying shoes. Time to become ruthless with my shoes. there are shoes in the bottom I dont think I have worn in 2 years at least, but they are sensible, comfortable and still in good nick. That brown jacket that went out of fashion  sometime at the turn of the millennium might need to go find a new home too. Come to think of it Oscars side  has a whole pile of clothes that I dont think he has worn since he left high school so  perhaps his section can do with some culling and make room for me =oP. Now thats the smartest thing I have thought of all day. I knew this Blog thingy was good for my soul.

Another solution found, time to sleep  on it.
sweet dreams.