I No Longer Give My Consent

Boxed up  all my ornaments and nick knacks in my Lounge room today and packed away in the shed. Its had the soothing effect I was hoping for. Each time I wrapped up and packed something in the box I was thinking seriously negative thoughts and by the time I finished I was  thinking how much calmer and focused I now am.

Things have really been getting to me lately. Worry over family members, stress  about  moving, Less than supportive people surrounding us and the biggy My hormone implant has stopped working. Its started causing a few cracks in the harmony of our home. I wont stand for that! This morning I had really hit a massive wall. I swear if anyone that has been less than supportive had of walked in my door this morning, they would of faced the full wrath of my frustrations and anger. Whats more, I wouldnt of cared if I upset them.

So in every box of ornaments I have wrapped up the anger in old newspaper. Fitting really, it is  now old news! Once I taped up and labeled the box I gave each a blessing to dissipate the negative energy in the healing  properties of time. A fire when the boxes are emptied will do the rest .

I think from now on I will need to just remind myself of one very important quote One of my inspirational women once said. "No one can make me feel inferior without my consent". It will be my mantra  each day  until it becomes second nature to expect it of myself.

If I think someone is crossing a line and disrespecting me or my choices, I have a choice. I can smile sweetly and ignore them or I can tell them what they have just said is disrespectful towards me and to  stop it. If I feel someone is taking advantage of me  I have a choice I can go along with it or I can tell them I think they are taking advantage of my nature and to stop it. If I feel like I am being stepped all over or taken for granted I can choose to let them continue or I can  stop doing things for them and let them clean up their own mess, cook their own meals, pay their own bills, wash their own clothes fold and put away, buy their own beer/clothes/tools, buy their own families gifts, get themselves to and from school/friends/band practice... the list goes on but you get the drift.

So as of today I am giving notice to any that haven't been getting the hint. I no longer give My consent.

I am still going to be me, I am basically a non confrontational person, but unlucky for anyone that isnt playing nice- Nor am I if I get pushed!  I am a female and we all know us females have a little bit of goddess in us and should be treated with a wary respect when we awaken our inner goddess. Mine has just been re-awoken and she is  hell bent on protecting what is hers♥

Room to grow

we are moving at the end of this year, well  the beginning of next year to be exact. 3 & 1/2 months to go. I am so excited about this you know. When ever I think about it I feel  my heart beating faster, My eyes light up and I just feel my passions ignite. I have been craving this  move for longer than I care to admit. Our fresh start as a family but more importantly it feels like its the next step towards my growth as a person!

I dont know when I started craving  a fresh start, I think it was around a decade ago. with my kids starting schooling I felt the need to spread my wings back then. While  it was needed to stay where we were because of  my sons illness, I think back then the seeds started to grow. I have done the best I can  continuing on the path I have chosen or perhaps it chose me, but its become so important to me to be able to move.  Part if it is to get out of the rut, a little is to escape my comfort zone and encourage personally happiness and inner contentment, who knows really why, I just know in my entire being its a necessity. 

Over the past decade I have felt my inner self grow and prosper in many areas, but in some areas I have felt stifled and held back from fully expressing who I really am now to so many. Part of that is due to my fears A chronic people pleaser most of my life, I have struggled  asserting that my own needs and wants are just as important as someone elses. I am also very hard on myself and my failures so I tend to sometimes take the safest route and end up not where I want to be.

 I feel stifled living in a city that to so many others is the perfect place to live. My hubby for example would be happy enough to never move. He  spent most of his child hood here and  just loves the beaches. while I think the beaches are very beautiful, I find the busyness of living in a city suffocating some days. While I love all of my family blood and married into, I also value my own space and over the past few years have become very obsessive with my privacy in my my own home. It is the one place where I am safe to be who I am so when someone enters my home and I feel is attacking me I find it very hard to forgive them. While I enjoy company from time to time and a chance to laugh and share  myself with good friends, I have always valued the time alone as well, to the point where I prefer jobs where I work alone.

Part of me desperately needs the space of distance to feel secure enough to  continue on my path. I feel I need the safety of time to really nurture who I am  become proud of without the knocks and belittling from people that say they love me, but in truth dont understand nor respect me. I am desperately looking forward to the chance to find a new home that fits who I am now. While I have finally learnt that its not the possessions that  make us happy. This house has never really felt like my home. and for 18 years I have kind of felt like I have been in a holding pattern waiting to land on my feet. I have so many memories that are part of this house, both good and bad. When I go a part of this house will come with me, but I am ready to make new memories in  a new  home. I am ready  to make my hearth so to speak and  learn more about myself and my possibilities. 

Will there be hiccups, of course there will. I will make mistakes, possibly a lot and I will learn from them. Mistakes I am learning are an important part of growth. If we never make them we will never know for sure we are heading in the right direction. Just as I know without a doubt, while our elders may  of learned their own lessons, they are not us and not living in our life, therefore I gratefully accept helpful advice when I ask, but I am not required to agree with  it. 

Every one wants something different out of life and have their own journeys to travel. what is important to me, is irrelevant to another and that ok. If we were all the same then I think we would be a boring bunch indeed.

Be loud and proud of your ovaries

September is a busy month for USA. They are busy  preparing for an important  day of remembrance. Sure to be a traumatic time for many as they remember lost ones. I dont think a person over the age of 20  anywhere in the world doesn't  think of that fateful date and feel a knot in their stomach. It really was the day ALL nations sat up and realized we are fragile. Yet through the devastation we also found resilience, strength and a unity we never knew we had. It is a very important day, But I am not here to talk about that day. I want to talk about another important day in the US this September. September  the second.

The second of September is the US's ovarian awareness day. While I am an Aussie and our awareness month is  February, I am just as happy to spread the word for our friends in America. Why not, it doest matter where we come from. Its a silent disease we should all be shouting about. its a disease  that not only do we not know enough about the symptoms, Doctors struggle to pick it up until in many cases its  advanced and for too many unlucky women, it's found too late.

We talk about Breast cancer, Its an important part of how we define our femininity. Many of us have known someone that has dealt with Breast cancer and all its emotions. We talk among our selves about it. even openly  in front of our men. Yet talking about  our ovaries is still such a taboo subject. lets face it ladies without our ovaries we cannot bring life into this world, so they are just as important as our boobies! 

So start talking to each other about it.  Talk to your girlfriends about your periods if they become unusual and you are unsure. Speak to your partner about  changes you are experiencing and for goodness sake go to a DR if you are experiencing some or any of the symptoms of ovarian cancer.  Ask them to test you FOR ovarian cancer if they try to brush you off. You alone know your body and you alone know when something isnt right.

So Ladies if you live in the US, or even if you live anywhere else, Wear your teal for the day. Be loud and proud of your ovaries, because with out them none of us would be here, men included.

Symptoms. most women experience 1 or more of these.

• Abdominal or pelvic pain.
• Increased abdominal size or persistent abdominal bloating.
• Needing to urinate often or urgently.
• Difficulty eating or feeling full quickly.

If you have any of these symptoms, they are new for you and you have experienced them multiple times during a 4-week period. Go to  your Dr.

Dry your eyes princess

Pretty much sums up my mood this week.

Life is hard, it throws everything it can at us when we think we can least handle it. We dont all agree or look at life the same way, but surely we can hold our head up high and remember its not all about us all of the time♥

Sometimes  I dont agree with what you think, does that make me less right? Sometimes  we do things a little differently, the job still gets done properly, so whats the fuss? So I dont believe in the same things as someone else, does that make me a bad person? So you didnt like something that happened to you today, is that a good enough reason to take it out on someone that has done nothing to you?

So today I am getting this off my chest. I refuse to stew on it any more. Today I am saying to anyone that thinks the way I do things  or the choices  I make are not as valid as their own, suck it up! If it isnt support then I dont want to hear it. If you only say it to belittle I dont want to hear it. I am me. I am unique. I am free to  decide which way I live my life and its ok if you dont agree, I only ask for your supportand respect. So love me or dont, tis totally your choice I dont mind either way as long as you respect my wishes.

This weekend has been a bit of a long one. Emotionally I have been a bit of a mess. Nothing looks sunny. I know I am over tired as I havent slept well this week, but I have really struggled the last few days keeping my head afloat. Today especially I found I woke  not wanting to face the world. It sometimes happens nothing special about it, I  cocoon myself in my room with a couple of old classics -this time it was the chronicles of Buffy.

Tomorrow I will get back to putting on my big girl support panties, but today I am just going to be  a sooky laa laa. I am completely over people not supporting  us, and to be honest over  smiling sweetly when I am  made to feel an inch high in my own home just because I dont want to rock the boat. Why is it when I get upset everyone tells me I take  too much to heart, yet  people are never told they are over opinionated and rude. Why is it when I am pushed too far and I do speak my mind I am the  bitch yet these people that I end up telling them they are out of line play the whole You have changed your not as nice as you used to be or just get told oh it must be one of your  menopausal days.

I am trying to find my balance but some how today I  dont seem to be able to move forward. Most days I  remember to not care what other people think and just stay true to myself. Old habits are hard to break though.

Being a plain Jane is hard work

I never thought of myself as vain. Growing up I was the ultimate plain Jane. Standing next to other girls I would squirm and do my best to blend in behind them.That's pretty much been my MO through life; Blend in and I do it well. At parties I am the one out in the kitchen washing up cause no one goes in there in-case they  get asked to help. At meetings I am the one with the notebook writing furiously  in-case I accidently make eye contact with the speaker and they ask me a question. Generally I find I am friends with people with a more flamboyant nature, that way when we are out eyes are directed towards them in our group. I spend hours doing my makeup before going anywhere I will feel uncomfortable specifically to look like I haven't  made too much of an effort. its exhausting blending in. So I guess in a way I am vain to the point where I dont want to stand out.

After I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer I became very self aware of my femininity. Although I didn't go through destructive chemo and lose my hair I still lost  my ovaries. I lost my uterus and cervix, all parts we identify with being a fertile productive female. So I admit I do take extra care to go out and not stand out. I used to be happy slopping about the house in tracky dacks, good ol granny knickers and slippers, now I am a little more feminine in my appearance. Lacy underthings and heeled boots also help boost my confidence in my femininity, and make up is a must when going out these days. If people think that's being pretentious that's their problem not mine. Its what I need to do to feel like I am just a normal woman going about her  daily business. A woman that still has desires, dreams and feelings. Which is why last night when I managed to burn my face I fell apart a little.

A stupid accident involving boiling water and inattentiveness. First degree burns, which doesn't sound all that bad, but hey it bloomin hurts and I woke up this morning looking like I had gone a round or 3 with Mike Tyson and he won! I never knew burns could bruise and swell areas but there you go! Last night though I had nightmares of waking up to find ugly blisters on my face and chest. horrified with the thought of living with scars on my face. As much as it hurt, I think I was more scared of that happening than anything else.

So yep it turns out I am in fact vain, completely and utterly obsessed with my appearance. How on earth would I be able to blend in with ugly scars. I have a big ol birthmark on my face already making me stand out automatically, I have terrible teeth due to medication I was on as a child, then new experimental glue being used on my braces destroying what was left of my teeth. Scars would just be  too much to deal with. Who knew being a plain Jane would be just as hard to maintain and cause as much anxiety as the exotic beauty working hard to keep her youthful look.

Dr's verdict; after keeping a cream and a dressing on my face and chest for a week My skin will go  a whitish colour(lose it melanin )but after a few months it should go back to its normal colour. There should be no scar and no lasting sign I ever did such a clutzy thing. More importantly I should be able to blend in again and go back to being a.....

Daddy's Girl

I got a lovely surprise today. Just after 7am My dad popped in to have a cuppa and a chat while waiting  to be at a meeting. I dont see my folks as often as I should nor like so it was so lovely when he dropped in out of the blue. I dont mind  people seeing I am still a Daddy's girl. I love my dad with all my heart.

He was my biggest champion when I was growing up. Always there cheering me on pushing me forward and picking me up when I fell down. He is who I held up as the bar when I met someone as I  transitioned into the adult world.

Don't get me wrong I wasn't some spoiled princess that had everything handed to me on a plate by my dad. He  encouraged me to be my best and didn't accept anything  less. A lot of who I am today is because of lessons my dad taught me while  we were training some sport I was involved in as a kid(there were a few) or perhaps while rebuilding the engine of my first car. (He felt it was important for me to know how to handle myself and how to stand on my own 2 feet if needs be). I treasure those moments in time now, sometimes recalling a shared joke or when I  go to do something I remember  an instruction on how to do it along with the chant if all else fails kick it or whack it.

Somehow my dad knew I would need all these lessons to strengthen my character to be ready for the hardness of life some times. The never give up never stop pushing forward and if all else fails kick it or whack it certainly helped me through the hard times with my child's illness. 

So yeah I'm a Daddy's girl, He was my teacher and protector he is my hero.  It scares me sometimes when I look at him and see how old he is getting. Not ancient, but I can see one day in the future I will be having to say good bye and it scares me So I am going to enjoy being a Daddy's girl for as long as I can♥

Dr's are human too

I have a new health issue bubbling away at the moment. Hopefully nothing too serious, But I made the decision last night to go and get a second opinion and get the worry off my mind. So off to a G.P. again next week. They will probably brush me off again, but at least if I get the same answer it will hep boost my confidence. I am really hoping  I get the same answer and believe it =o).

Part of me though, cant help remembering each time I have been brushed off in the end it has turned out something serious. As a teen because I could still put weight on my foot I was brushed off till a week later when  someone realized I had partially torn my Achilles tendon and they had been telling me to keep using my foot. Over the last few years its been a partially dislocated shoulder missed. Acute appendicitis, fractured bones in the spine and more recently I was brushed off until someone finally did a scan that revealed ovarian cancer.

I have learnt from experience to have a healthy dose of skepticism when it comes to drs verdicts. I always keep in mind that while they have a degree, they are still in fact only human and make mistakes too. They dont go advertising that little bit of info.. not good for business! I dont hold it against them to err is to be human after all and while  getting a virus that is actually an infection wrong isn't usually anything more than unpleasant for us, sometimes  it can be a bit more serious and dangerous for us.

It's not just me that has had this happen. I was told my 4 year old son was faking headaches by one Dr finally I found one that listened and they found a bleed int the brain along with a large cyst. How he was faking convulsions and throwing up at 4 I will never know! My sister was told she was being a hypochondriac with her son, till he was diagnosed with leukemia. More and more I hear it from other people as well.

How is finding a dr that listens such a hard thing lately? If I hear one more Dr say its because of your weight I think I will tell them that they cant see because of their over inflated ego. I am over weight  yes I know, shock horror Dr that's not actually a surprise to me. What is a surprise however is I am paying  you an obscene amount of money for 5 mins of your time for you to brush me off and not actually earn that money.

Anyway, I am going to a new Dr this week. Touch wood they  give me really good news without making me feel like I am wasting their time. Either way I need to stop obsessing with  this  new problem and get  a good nights sleep before I really do have a big problem.

Time to find a Smile

Figured  that was enough feeling sorry for myself.. Lucky for me I dont do pity parties for long. Instead doing a feel good party.

 Finding My smile

Thanks Curly I am still figuring out my 1 thing♥

Era of  the net and social networks is here and the last few days I have been consistently amazed at  just how wonderful some people are out there in the wide world of web. So many people Just dropping a line a word of support  or just a virtual hug. all just to let me know I am not alone.

where too from here?

SO, most know I am moving late this year. Its starting to keep me up at night. I am looking forward to the move immensely. But there's that fear factor as well. Are we doing the right thing uprooting our kids and moving them to a new lifestyle at this stage in their lives, or have we missed the boat and should of done this before  high school? When is the right time to  move kids?

After only ever really knowing this house for my kids This moveis bound to have a few upheavals  for the kids. Changing schools, making new friends and missing old ones  will be factors in operation keep the move smooth sailing for the kids. Luckily both kids are likable and most people like them when they meet them, so I dont foresee any major problems.

Hubby is  starting  to understand the  level of work  that is needed to be completed before we go, but with the stresses of dealing with moving a work force and work out  the logistics of how to go about moving  entire factory machinery in one weekend without loss of production is proving challenging as well. We have made a few decisions  that have helped ease our  rising anxiety on this matter, But Now has bough up a new thing for me to worry about. Finances. nothing major, its all doable and we will most probably be much better off going about it this way. So why cant I sleep! Why is it  moving, which is what I really want, scaring me half to death when I think about it? 

Sometimes I think I am just not able to have true happiness in this life. Every time I look like  I am heading down a path where I will be happy and content I tend to sabotage myself. Maybe Part of me thinks I dont deserve to be happy. The last few days I have been starting to think  I am still being punished  for some unknown digression I made in a past life. I know, I know I have many issues to work through and lately  a major one has been bubbling to the surface. This last week in particular I have had all the pointers pointing me in a direction I dont want to go, but I think I will have to go if I am ever going to find that contentment in life.

I thought I let go of  the past and moved on, but it seems the past has a way of popping up from time to time to remind us things. For me Its been a case of reminding me that just telling myself  that I alone have the power over me isn't enough. The universe is shouting to me at the moment to  do something about this, only I am unsure how to fix the problem, or even if its a problem that can be fixed. 

Born to live

Today  is a gift. Take it with both hands and live like you will both live forever and die tomorrow.

I am strong

So many things happen in our lives. Good and bad they each happen, getting filed away in our memories to learn from and help make better choices through out the rest of our lives.


For me  its always  very important to find something positive  from  even a bad experience. Perhaps I learnt a lesson such as to not put too much of my trust into people too quickly. Maybe I found a strength I never knew I had.  Its just part of who I am. Everything has to have a positive aspect to it or what was the point of it happening! I mean if everything happens for a reason then what is the reason if its not to  give us something valuable in return?


Battling with depression  more than half my life has left me sure of a few things. mainly, 1, I am stronger than people give me credit. 2, I am no bodies victim.


Few people know how deep I have fallen over the years. There were days when just getting out of bed was  my one and only goal. Some days when I found my self  thinking  of things I shouldn't be. To be honest some days the only thing that had me finish each day and begin the next was my own competitive nature.  To me life was  an evil competitor and there was no way I was going to let it win. the stakes were far too high once my kids were born.


These days though I  look at life as more of a trusted friend, sure we have our disagreements but then  we make up, the sun shines and we gain a deeper understanding of each other. From time to time we compete to win the prize, but the playing field has leveled out a little more and I am learning the skills to  get to the next level.


Being nobodies victim is also important to me. There have been times when I have been let down, betrayed and dishonored by people. At the time  it was devastating. Then with the healing of time I learnt that not always things are that black and white. In some situations I needed to have that hurt, to learn  from it. Weird how I actually dont feel much other that thankfulness to  one person in particular for the lessons she taught me. We were always meant to be in each others lives  I think for that purpose. Through other people I have learnt the value of always being in control of my own  body and where I am. These people no longer have the power to hurt me for many reasons, mainly because I choose not to let them have that power any more. 


Biggest lesson I have learnt is I can only control my own direction of my journey. Choices other people make are theirs to make  and they have their own journey to  be on.


So many lessons I  learnt the hard way. Seems thats the way I learn best. Memories put away in files marked Lesson Learnt. Just inside the office named Journey so far.  I am very happy to say  when you enter there is minimal amount of clutter these days, but  search around you will find a bit of rubbish in need of tossing.


I dont see the point in holding on to  something painful if I am not going to get something positive out of it. Hense the not being anyone's victim. Betray me once shame on you, betray me twice shame on me. Which leads me right back to I am stronger than some people give me credit =o).