That'll Do

I am just navigating myself around the new  Blog format. It looks brighter and cheerful to me, but I fear like the old style it will take me a little while to  work out the kinks and cogs. Never the less, I love the opportunity to learn something new, how ever long it takes me. I have never been particularly gifted when it comes to computers  or  any technology for that matter. Just when I start to get the hang of my mobile phone it starts to die and I have to go buy a new one.

Some days My computer and I have a love hate relationship. I love it and would be completely lost without it, but then it freezes or  doesn't do what I tell it to do. Then I want to smash it into a billion pieces and then stomp on it for good measure like a 3 year old having her best tantrum performance yet.

But then I  lose that insane need to kill and maim it and we go back to  loving each other again and  sit in blissful harmony for a few minutes until the next moment when i start arguing and telling it that it is a bloody idiot.. cause we all know its the computers fault not our own in ability to grasp something that our 5year kids figure out within seconds!

Mostly its good, I like change. It gives us an opportunity to grow and learn something new. Our minds are forever expanding with knowledge from every angle and we can either try to keep up and learn to go with the flow, or we can chain up every electronic appliance we own and  use them as an anchor  for a boat and go live  like a hermit, never having to feel completely inadequate about our intelligence levels. As frustrated as I get at my own braininess or lack there of- yeah I know its not really a word- I also  am extremely stubborn and competitive with myself. Tell me I cant work it out and I will sit there until I have. If I doubt myself I have to prove to myself that I can. sometimes its a good thing, other times its downright exhausting. 

Perhaps I continue to  persevere more and just go with the flow with my computer and with all the different site changes because for a long time it was my link with the outside world. When My oldest spent so much time ill I felt trapped in my home. We couldnt go anywhere. Hubby got to go to work every day so saw grown ups. Youngest got to go to school at the very least so had social time with  other kids. Even The Lad when in hospital had  social time with other kids through the starlight  foundation, and when well enough  was at school. But I found myself suffocating. I had lost  many friendships either they couldn't deal with a kid that had to have so much special attention or I tended to alienate them. Only a very few have stood by me the whole way through and I think no matter where we are in the world we will always have a connection. Still they have their own families and problems  to deal with so there were times when I did feel very alone and stagnating.

Through the net I found a gateway to the world and to people.  On line I was able to have grown up conversations with other people, mostly other mums, but a few guys  made me laugh and I have treasured those friendships over the years. they have helped give me back perspective in a lot of way with the stresses and a males perception which sometimes  really helped my marriage.

So when I see people moaning and complaining about the changes on line in the various sites I kind of think, really! Is that the worst thing in your life? We have a gateway to a world, meeting people we never would ever had the opportunity to meet otherwise. We are being exposed to other cultures and learning about different things every time we go on line. We also have a choice, either go with the flow and learn something new or  log off and pull the power plug and go get all the jobs done we are all putting off by being on line in the first place .... You know I am  right there dont ya =o)

So while I finish off acquainting myself with this new format I will pat my computer and in my best Shrek voice say "That'll Do puter, That'll Do".

whoo hoo Its Friday

Whoo hoo Its Friday. Dont mind me, Just doing the happy dance. You see its also the end of term 3  in WA. school holidays and yep I am one of those odd mums that actually enjoys them. I get so much more done over holidays, no stopping   to constantly  drop off and pick up kids.  I am lucky enough to have kids that help out where needed as well. and yes I do realize that quality in a kid is like gold and I appreciate  it completely♥

Topping it all off  Oscar starts 2 weeks vacation as well. I will get back to you  in 14 days as to how I am fairing with this last one, but we have so much to do around the house before it goes on the market I am sure we will be far too busy to get narky at each other getting in our way...I hope =o)

Perhaps I should go check my arsenic  stores and be sure to check I still have that bag of lime dust to make sure I am prepared for every contingency. Been a while since I have had to  offer Oscar an arsenic  laced coffee cocktail.

Actually come to think of it. I guess I will have to brush my hair and put some make up on before Noon with Oscar and the boys home. probably  wont be able to get about the house in my Daggy baggies and slippers either.. wait  I was happy about the holidays wasn't I? Yep thats right I was, phew that's a relief.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone. 

welcome

Well it seems I have  managed to  intrigue or entertain a few folk now. How cool is that. Here I was all these years thinking how odd I was and it turns out  so many others think like I do quite often. I am truly honoured that so many people take the time out of their busy lives to read anything I have to say let alone stop and pass on a comment  and notes of encouragement. So I thought I would take this moment to just  tell my story. Get a cuppa, put your feet up, we may be here a while=o) I'll try not to bore anyone♥

The oldest sister of 2 other sisters I was born and grew up in Western Australia. The majority of my formative years were spent swimming in the Murray River or Gallivanting throughout the tiny holiday community East of Mandurah. It was an awesome place to grow up. Only a hand full of other permanent residents as kids, we had free reign of the place for most of the year. We never had the inclination to get up to mischief or  one of the retired couples or a errant mum would of caught us out and news of our misadventures would surely of made it back to our folks before we even got back home.

I went to the same primary school then on to the same local high school never really having to get over my acute shyness because  I grew up with the same circle of friends for the entire  time, But that was ok, because around my friends I felt  secure enough to be me most of the time.

I met My husband at work. When he started working at our  location all the girls in the building were a buzz at the new Apprentice. He was cute, which meant I knew I didn't have a shot with so many  better looking, less shy girls around with their eye on him Little did I know he didn't even notice the other girls. Still,  Other than  the odd shy hello I barely spoke to him. Only  few months later that changed though at our staff Christmas function... Yes I know how cliché is that! The rest as they say is history♥

Moving on marriage came then we moved on to the regulation mortgage, the cat, the dog. Along come the regulation kids. 2 boys they are the apple of my eye when they aren't driving me to distraction. I have never been what you would call the  gooing and gaaing kind of mum. I read books to them yes, but they were a mixture of books I found interesting as well as  books  they would enjoy. So sometimes they got a romance or heard all about Ayla's struggle to belong. JeanM Auel fans will understand, other times they heard all about Jacks mighty adventure in the land of the giants. I sang to them, often during the day though I put on a music video and  we boogied our  little MINE NOT SO Butts off to the latest hits. then  snuggled on the couch for the fun times of Thomas the Tank engine for the oldest, or for my youngest the adventures of  Pooh and his wonderful friends.

My oldest struggled for most of his life with neurological  problems. Sometimes it was life threatening. for a decade My husband and I didn't know which way was up and more than once we were told to prepare and say good bye to our child. in 9 years of his life he had 12 brain surgeries and  for a lot of that time dealt with massive pressure on the brain issues. As a consequence he  has  minor brain damage which is treated successfully with medication.

As You can imagine this put some pressure on  our marriage, but we are both stubborn people thankfully and neither were prepared to admit defeat. The old saying this too shall pass has never been more relevant than that period of time with our relationship. If anything  the way we dealt with  the strains and stresses of every day life served to keep us together and to remind each other  of what we really wanted. It certainly wasnt what any of our family agree'd with or practised, but it worked for us. I am talking about separate vacations of course. Once  a year Hubby went away with his mates on a fishing expedition. As much liquor was consumed as bait was used, but he always came back after a week or 2 relaxed and happy to be with us. I went down south with the kids a couple of times a year to a magical town called Denmark. There I took the kids bush walking, wandered through the town and found my centre. within a few days I was back to being able to cope with my world.

This of course sent certain family members in a state each time, because as far as they were concerned If we holidayed separately then, we must be either unfaithful to each other or  planning to split. Nothing could of been further  from the truth. We are both fairly independent people. Both of us value our own time highly and both of us seek solitude often. As different as we are in our likes and dislikes, fundamentally we are similar people. We are as different as night and day, yet without each other we cant bring life to earth and help it to flourish. You hear of people saying they have their soul mate when they think of their partner. I think of the earth the sun and the moon. I cant explain it any other way.

Just under 3 years ago after a couple of years of bliss with  the kids  health being better and less trips needed to the children's hospital, we had the rude shock of my diagnosis of Ovarian cancer and cervical cancer.Once again  it was time to batten down the hatches. For the past 2 years I have had my life turned upside down and inside out. Learning to cope with the  daily struggles of  surgical menopause. Dealing with the loss of  my chance of ever  having another child. Learning  how to  put up with the never ending pain some days  from massive scar tissue. Not to mention  finding the  strength to go on when people close to me make thoughtless and hurtful comments that crush me to the core. All of these have take their toll on my  sanity and some days I  find myself teetering on the edge of the abyss. But I am getting there. One day at a time. My naturally perky  and positive nature ensures I am never down for long. Each time I pull my self back out of that rotten hole I sing the happy dance and thumb my nose at life singing nah nah . I win  I win.

I never understood where I got my view of life being a battle and a game to never stop playing. Until I spent a couple of days with my Nan, who is nearing the end of her life. Many would of given up by now and gone on to the other side when they saw the light or the angles as My nan calls them each time. The Dr's are stumped as to how she is still here, but no, each day she is tickled pink that she beat the angles again. I hope I always look at life like that, but now when I think about it, I will always think about my nan and  think,  yep nan we are still beating them angels♥

Well that is about all I  have  to say on  the subject of me... pretty straight forward. Nothing much to see. I am your average  plain Jain gal with the normal issues in life and the normal dreams. If I give  moments of pleasure or entertainment in some ones life each day, then I feel I have accomplished something positive and a piece of me travels through the universe forever. I figure each piece should be a positive one if I am going to put it out there. Its become important to me  that every day I do something positive in someone s life and  make a difference for them, even if it is to just put a smile on their soul for a few minutes. possibly why I love my little job so much. One day of the week my client walks into her house and feels cared for.

Have a beautiful day every one and try to do one small thing for some body else today to make a difference in their life. Call a lonely relative and ask them how they are. Smile  at a stranger. You will be amazed how good you feel yourself.

My grumble

Just having a grumble. I have to get it out of my head because I can feel my anger, depression and anxiety growing to the point of melt down.  Please only read on if you  really care about  the bad times as well as the good times, cause its not all about flowers and candy all of the time. I always said this was my journey  full of ups and downs.. today we are going down a huge hill, Fast! So put on your seat belt- Don't say you weren't warned




I am  constantly being told how lucky I am and how I should be so grateful, which I am. SO why is it I feel  so bad? why since my op have I had this knot in the pit in my stomach that makes me feel so sick somedays? Why if I am grateful, dont I feel it, if that makes sense. Why when they say I must be grateful do I want to  turn around and say sarcastically" oh yes cause every woman feels grateful about having her life turned completely uspide down and is ever so grateful that most days she is in pain, get dizzy spells or just feel like its all too much. "
For 2 years I am constantly told  how grateful I should feel (even by drs when I go in and say I am not coping). Like the constant living in pain  hasnt taken its toll on my moods. Because they cant see anything wrong that must mean I am  all fine. For the past year I have been told get over it by a few. Its been 2 and a half years since surgery part of me still waits to hear that they missed something every time I go in for blood results I near on pass out  while waiting then they say your bp is high you need to lose weight.
Back on topic though. I know I sound completely ungrateful here, but I don't want to hear people tell me how I should be feeling. Not once has anyone of these people telling me how grateful I should be feeling ever said You must of been so scared. Only a couple of people I know have ever openly acknowledged  this and asked how I am really feeling. never have they asked how I am coping with all the changes my body has made and lets be clear here there have been a lot of physical and mental changes that have occurred since I walked in with  all my body parts only to leave minus  some pretty important organs for a female of child bearing age. And you know what I don't want to hear well at least you had kids already. cause actually that comment little tip- doesn't really help me feel better either, it actually re enforces my  feeling of loss. It just reminds me that once again a dream has been taken away from me.
So much is going on in my life right now, the looming loss of a matriarch of the family has been on my mind a lot. I know its not helping my moods but to be honest  This frustration has been with me for quite a while... Its actually due to this coming event I am getting to the point where I need to say something. people telling us when we should be happy, when we should be grateful even when we should let go. Its not for our own good really.. its for theirs. We should be happy because people only want us to be happy all the time so they feel ok. We should feel grateful because  that way  people don't have to feel uncomfortable when we aren't. We should let go of bad feelings or even life because Its too painful for people to see us in pain. Its not always a bad thing, in some instances its needed. But when we aren't ready to feel these things  before  people think we should be ready, then  shouldn't we all be allowed to  feel what we feel without being told get over it or it could of been worse, because We do already know this and for the most part it never effects our daily life, but aren't we allowed to have moments in time where we are allowed to feel sorry for ourselves for just a while without feeling judged!

my star sign said I may upset people today. Probably should of listened.

Packing

Being busy clearing the house out and the brain has moments of being fried. We are down to just under 4 months till our move and 18 years of hoarding  has been hard to let go of. Each time I finish through the house and get back to starting again I have found I have gained so much more confidence in throwing  things out.

Started packing boxes a couple of weeks ago of things we dont use often, But I have made the decision to keep in a bid to  unclutter the house. Oscar has now gone back to wanting to sell the house so now I can  totally flip out because I had a schedule of things I needed done to sell has seriously  gotten behind schedule. Today though the butt ugly tree I have detested for 18 years went today and it really boosted my spirits. We are finally starting to see progress. whoo hoo!

The difference it has made for my motivation has been amazing. Hopefully next week the plasterer will be here to get the lads wall fixed from when we had the leaky pipe in the bathroom, then I can paint  and get carpeting down. It's all so exciting. In the mean time tomorrow I will be braving my wardrobe.

Yes I know, scary! I have gone through it several times, but I have found somehow  nothing fits in there yet again. Blankets up on the high shelf  have been pushed back up haphazardly. shoes I had  gone through and replaced in  my shoe box are over flowing again, and I rarely buy  shoes! Yes there are strange women out there like me that hate buying shoes. Time to become ruthless with my shoes. there are shoes in the bottom I dont think I have worn in 2 years at least, but they are sensible, comfortable and still in good nick. That brown jacket that went out of fashion  sometime at the turn of the millennium might need to go find a new home too. Come to think of it Oscars side  has a whole pile of clothes that I dont think he has worn since he left high school so  perhaps his section can do with some culling and make room for me =oP. Now thats the smartest thing I have thought of all day. I knew this Blog thingy was good for my soul.

Another solution found, time to sleep  on it.
sweet dreams.

It's that Time of the year.

Well its that time of the year again in Western Australia. the sun is coming out to play a little longer, the birds are chirping and busy stealing the string from your vegie garden stakes, and the grass and plants are all starting to seed and bloom. Yep Its spring in WA.

Spring, such a magical time of the year. Beautiful bright sunny days that we have been craving since we are a worship the sun gods kind of state. We flock to beaches and dip our toes for a taste test, craving to  get back in our beloved ocean. We start taking rover  for walks and nod to  fellow sun worshipers in the afternoons with a smile because our warmer weather is about to be on us again. And then there's that pesky thing, the one  so many of us have to deal with to some degree... its hayfever time!

Itchy eyes, itchy skin, water streaming from the eyes in a bid to expel that horrid pollen and seed dust. Snotty noses no amount of blowing will fix. Throat itchy, dry and tight, and if your really lucky skin flare ups with eczema and the biggy, dragging a number of inhaler pumps everywhere you go so you  can  talk with out wheezing and sounding like Darth Vadors long lost child.

You go down to the chemist and ask for the brand you know works and they tell you to try out this you beaut new pack of  anti Histamines  they swear are for those exact symptoms, 2 hours later you look like you just left aunt Bessies funeral and your nose resembles Rudolfs. So down you go the next day to  try the next pack, feeling like you've been slammed into the  bus that you saw driving down the street earlier. They smile sweetly and ask how can I help you todaycause of course you normally look like death warmed up. But you smile that forlorn smile and say "I  need anti hist-ermines" they reach for the pack you bought yesterday and you say, "Nope they are useless I want X brand". You know they work cause  it took you 5 packs last season to find out  that that was the pack for you.

So then you hand over Your licence  and they check you out to make sure your not a drug dealer in disguise, because of course drug dealers  come in all the time with eyes swollen shut, nose red raw anda rash  from the neck down from itching. But that's ok cause now we can go  and get our symptoms under control.

Spring, such a wonderful time of the year. Full of rebirth and renewal. We sit and wonder at the marvel of natures beauty. Go on picnics and  relax on the lawns only to come home sun burnt because we got out of the habit of packing sunburn cream and itchy because we forgot  grass seeds are what set us off and we didnt take the anti histamine before we left the house.

we race in the house and jump in the shower in a bid to stop ourselves from scratching and looking like we are imitating our chimpanzee cousins. pop a pill and hope that we can see again sometime soon without crying ourselves a river. We sigh in despair when we reach for the tissue box only to remember we used the last tissue this morning.

Yep Spring. Its a magical time, full of beauty, wonder and Snot!

stop the world I want to get off

Stop the world please, I want to get off!

It's one of those days today. I'm not asking much, just  for everyone to be thoughtful when speaking to me, and perhaps feed me chocolate cake now and then while my arms are in my hugme jacket. 
I dont even know what has set me off today. I woke up feeling icky, nothing out of the ordinary there its a menopausal joy! I am sore from doing way too much physical  stuff yesterday, once again nothing out of the norm there either. All I know is I dont want my music on. I cant be bothered even turning the tv on for sound. That is so not me! I love my music, barely a day goes by I dont have one play list on or another. I dont feel depressed but I do feel this overwhelming need to cry. Not at anything. 
I am excited we are moving and  starting fresh again. I am  loving my kids at this age.  Oscar is being a grouch, but  thats how he got his nickname & he isnt that bad  right caught him smiling yesterday- but that may of been gas! now so thats not it.


The only thing I can think of is today I feel like a failure and a bit of a waste of space. 


Tomorrow will be better, Tomorrow is another day with no mistakes. 
Tomorrow I wont be as sore, Tomorrow I will be more focused 
and tomorrow I will be back  to kicking depressions butt again.


Just for today though I would like the world to stop for a moment so I can take the day off.
Just for today I think I want a holiday from my life and be a kid again full of laughter and  silliness.
Just for today I think I will let  loose at anyone that thinks they can  say what ever they like to me and not get what for back at them.


and just for once I am going to look after me first!

A little bit of Mary Poppins in All of Us!

Well the lad turned 16 the other day. 16 years I have been a mum. Someday's it feels like I have been a mum forever and other times I am so out of my element and feel like a beginner all over again. So far  we have been blessed with really good kids.. I know, I know,  absolutely every body says their kids are the best so  I dont blame you for  raising your eyebrows and thinking, oh no  not another one of those mums that gushes about her kids that we look at and think, what little buggers they are.


All I can say is I think they are ok and after a hell of a lot of hard work I can see the adults emerging that a mum can be proud of. 


I started out with 2 boys, along the way I seemed to of picked up a 3rd teen boy. He is now part of the furniture and stays for dinner most nights of the week after school before I shuttle him back to the train station to go back home. There is something quite fulfilling having an extra kid look forward to staying for dinner and absolutely enjoying what ever you put in front of him. Call it the mum in me, but it makes me happy to see someone appreciate my work in the kitchen.


My kids are great, but they arent perfect. Recently I have had to  give them the chat about treating a girl like a lady... holding the door open for female and letting them walk in the door first. It  was bought rudely to my attention how bad they were getting when the oldest walked in the front door the other day and  shut the door in my face... Not a happy mumma! When I pulled them up on it, the comment was  Dad never does! Poor Oscar when I informed him of the conversation was mock hurt that his boys sold him out so quickly. Notice no denial!! 


Mr16 was pretty good with the nag helpful advice of if you always treat women like ladies you will never go too wrong with them. He promptly said with a cheek grin, cool now I know what I am doing wrong, I'm all set. 
cheeky sod!
He does more than ok with the girls in my book,,, every girl in the school seems to be his friend-even ex girlfriends. When we go to the shopping center we have to add at least an extra 10 mins to allow for all the girls coming up to hug him and I am more than happy for it to stay just friends for a few more years, so perhaps I messed up with that bit of advice huh!


What about you guys? Is there things your other half do that bug you that you have noticed your mini  me's are starting to pick up? Of course they only pick up your good habits cause we all know us Gals are Mary freeking Poppins (practically perfect in every freeking way).

So What!

This year has kind of been  the year of putting to rest my negative emotions and many ways a birth of self empowerment. I am less concerned with keeping everyone else happy this year and more concerned with respect, both giving and receiving it. I am finding myself saying to myself so much more this year, "so What"!

Someone isnt happy with a choice I make.. So what! I missed out on getting something at the shops,,, so what! Someone doesn't like me,,, A huge so what, I like the me  that is emerging that's what counts isnt it?

I am finding  as I become more confident of the  path and lessons I am learning I am enjoying life  and situations that used to have me stressing out and feeling like I needed to prepare myself for are becoming less stressful and in turn more enjoyable. I am  finding  by not backing down  from my own wants out of life  the scariest things I had imagined would happen, dont actually happen. plus I gain confidence in myself each time I do stand up for my beliefs or wishes. I am finding a kind of freedom  when I remember to not worry so much about what others think when I am following my dream or being myself.

Its not second nature yet, for every  2 days I remember to  be myself and be proud to show me being me there is still 1 day I forget and feel my confidence dip sorely on those days. Luckily they are becoming a less dramatic dips in confidence.

♥