Living with the Invisible

I wanted to share this. Not because I am after any sympathy, nor am I after any hints or blessings. I am sharing this because even though my husband and my kids know I have an illness that prevents me sometimes from being able to join in completely I have realized this week more and more that they don't seem to understand just how much living in constant chronic pain takes out of me. I hear it so often from other sufferers and have realized that while our family cares they just don't understand that that pain they have in their back for a day is with us 24/7 and all over our body. There is no respite other than it being a 4/10 day or a 9/10 day with pain levels.

I hope with sharing this someone may just see a little of what it is like for someone they may know that is battling this illness and realize just how strong they really are. Just maybe you will see that a loved one is pushing themselves so hard to just be able to do the things that have to be done, the luxuries like hanging out with friends are just beyond them somedays.

This is me tonight. Nothing hidden, just a girl showing you what is going on  in her life today.
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I have been on the bed since 2Pm aching every where. Heat packs aren't doing squat cause I need a full body one. I am sweating so badly because all the heat packs and the fire have set off a hot flush, but I need the heat  for the muscle pain. My hips feel like they have snapped. My muscles in my butt and just above have knots so bad I feel like I have rocks in there. ankles and feet hurt so bad it feels like knives going right up my legs when I walk. My knees are tender and don't even nudge my elbows. I may collapse with the pain. My finger nails are so sore, I bumped my fingers on the edge of the bench and my fingers just felt like they had been hit by a hammer. My hair hurts.  The muscle spasms and cramps in my back all over are causing  the pain in my neck to sieze up all the muscles tightly. My chest is giving me shocking pains. Headache city. When I cough I swear the roof of my head caves in just a little each time. I want to sleep but my brain won't switch off.

All this from spending just a couple of hours out in the garden weeding and pruning. This is pretty much how I end up each day and I do this because no one else can see the pain so I am constantly feeling like I need to explain why I can't do things that other people my age.. And older can doo easily each day. I do this because I refuse to let an invisible illness take any more from my life. Most of all I do this so that at the end of the day I can say you didn't beat me today.

Next time someone that fights a chronic illness says to you they can't hang out and it seems like they are always bailing out at the last minute, don't grumble and think they aren't trying very hard cause you saw them only yesterday laughing and having a great time. Perhaps you don't realize but that girl laughing and enjoying the moment went home and cried for half an hour in the shower because she dropped the soap and is hurting too much to bend over and pick it up. That mate you saw cheering on his kids at their sport would love to go hang out at the bar with you, but it took all of his energy just get out of bed that morning and standing for all that time has now ceased his joints up.

Sometimes what you are seeing is a carefully placed mask. You may think we are lazy, moody or plain selfish. What you don't realize is it took more energy than that person had to get dressed today. They pushed past pain barriers just to get through their day at work. They then could not sleep well because the pain finally over rode and laying in bed is pure agony.


One Time why don't you stop and ask, is there anything I can do for you. Or just walk up and give that person a hug and let them know you are there for them, no judgement. No giving them pointers about what you think they should do, cause trust me that person has tried every old wives tale and read every medical excerpt they can find. Just let them know you care.

My family isnt odd... its in the Genes

Isn't the internet a wonderful thing. We can find almost anything with it. Sometimes its a doorway to making a dream come alive. maybe its a window to give you glimpses of things you only every dreamed about. Either way it is a gateway to knowledge.

As I am getting older I am finding I am becoming more and more obsessed with following my family tree. It's not as easy as it sounds. there is lots of checking, backtracking and rechecking involved.

I have been tracking down  my ancestory for a couple of years now. it really is quite an arduous  chore and I have breaks from it from time to time when it gets a bit too confusing. I have completely lost the trail on my mums side now so  I will have to back track and start again as the O'meara's seem to be every where in Scotland and Ireland in the 1800's not to mention a few I found in the US, NZ and of course a few naughty ones sent on over to Australia in the convict days. 

The past few months though  I have found a few extra  bits and pieces on my dads side. I have known for a few years now that we are descendants of Henry Liddell from Ravensworth Castle Scotland. Henry is the father of Alice Liddell. You may know her better as Alice in wonderland. That was exciting to find out, and for the past year I have been  reading up all I can about the family and of course the castle. It is my dream to one day go to Scotland and just  see the ruins for my self. I know it sounds weird but I would really love a small amount of soil as well, but I know that is a no no. 

After looking  at some old pictures I have managed to find of the  Liddell family tree I started flicking through a few of my old photos of myself and my sisters as kids. and man I got an eerie feeling when I noticed my little sister..always a free spirit, as a child she looked at the world through different coloured glasses to the rest of us. In one picture  of us girls it completely hit me how similar in looks my little sister was to Alice as a child.

Once again it made me smile as it kind of enforced a couple of things  I have always known about my family. 
1. of course our pets are our family and it is quite normal to talk to them and include them like you would anyone else.
2. Imagination is a blessing and something  we have in abundance.

                        Alice Liddell. Posing as a beggar girl for Charles Dodgson
                                                    

Who Says It Has To Be That Way?

Is it bad that both Oscar and I are really happy that  for his last day of vacation time he used to  spend moving house over this week he has gone to spend the day with an old friend? And do I really care what anyone else thinks of that statement? The simple answer to that these days is no, not even a bit.


Don't get me wrong, we both love each other, but we both value our space too. We have mutual friends but we also have friends that are predominantly  either his or mine and I like it that way. We both are very independent creatures who do like our own solitude but in different ways. His idea of a blissful day is to go and sit by the beach, go fishing or have a few beers with mates and talk about men business.. you know, bullshit and crap :-P I on the other hand think a day of bliss is being  somewhere there are trees, birds and animals scurrying around or curled up in bed with a book or movie or chatting  with friends over a coffee (or wine) about important things in life- you know, renovations/ food/clothes/hair/kids who did what and where.


I see other couples we know that do almost everything together and think isn't that so cute. They are so lucky they  get along  and are so in tuned with each other that they can do that and think maybe I should just try harder to just do what  Oscar likes to do and we would have that great relationship too. Then I start thinking about what makes a great relationship and who says  what is a great relationship? Who gets to decide that?  Why is it that society seems to think that the only way you can have a great relationship is to do everything together from shopping, spending time with friends or even vacationing? perhaps if  more people started doing what was right for themselves and listening to each others needs instead of doing what society says you should be doing as a couple, then perhaps divorces may just go down a little cause lets face it if you ran your marriage like a business and saw that what society says is the right way to run your business has such a high failure rate wouldn't you look at changing the way  you are running your business to make it a success? To me my marriage is  a bussiness I intend to be a success at and if that means throwing  my view of societies  handbook out the window, I am tossing it as far out as possible.


I have come to realize for my marriage that its  not spending every moment in each others pockets, its not just doing what the other partner wants that makes a great relationship. Its doing what is right for  your relationship and individual needs that makes a great relationship.


 I have also come to see also Not every relationship thrives by doing everything together to have that close and loving relationship? I found the more I tried to conform to my view of what society deemed to be the perfect relationship the more unhappy and stressed I became. The more I tried to spend  time with Oscar especially  when it was times that I really wanted to just be on my own and listen to the universe, the more I started to resent spending that time together~ does that make sense?~  The more I tried to emulate what I  figured society decreed was the the correct way to be a good wife, the more suffocated I started to feel.


I know it used to raise a few eyebrows with  many we know. Now  they realize its just how we work and to be honest these days my view is now, if they have a problem with it, its not my problem. Oscar and I have never had a stronger relationship since I stopped trying to keep everyone else happy and started doing what kept me happy, because lets be honest here it is true what they say. "Happy Wife, Happy Life."


 For today I finally unpacked my computer out of its packing box. fed the ducks, chooks and even put some seed out for the wild birds. got the fire nice and hot. made myself a yummy cuppa and sat in my comfy chair with my computer and happily played away knowing that Oscar is off doing what he really enjoys today too. This afternoon when he gets home, we will have interesting things to tell each other and then really enjoy  our time together, after all isn't that really what having a great relationship is all about? 

Unpacking a Suitcase

I couldn't sleep last night so I got to thinking. ( I know dangerous, right!)


I have started going to a psychologist. I fought going for years thinking I don't want to talk about certain things and didn't want  someone probing areas I rather keep to myself. I have only been going for 2 weeks and already I am learning a lot about myself along with the correct tools to get onto the next step of  being truly happy and having a completely productive life. Something was said to me  the other day. I knew it was big but my mind was focused on the coming storm so I filed it away in the  need to think about this  file.


Focus on the fact not the description.


Last night I actually got it completely. Its ok to  remember  a painful event, but I need to stop focusing on the description of it. The feelings I experienced during that time are only serving to  make me go round and round in a cycle. I need to focus now on the facts of the situation. Things like; It has happened, what have I learned from that event? *I learned to be careful in trusting people and more aware of situations I was in. I also learned  to look for safety exits first in every situation* 
Was that person justified in saying/doing? *No? then it doesnt matter. Yes then I can choose to change my actions or not* 
 Was I doing the best I could on that day? Has (son) said he was sick before and everything been ok? * Yes he has said he felt unwell many times and  not ended up in ICU that same day so sometimes its just not possible to catch  things in time*.


Its amazing when I start to think about  some of these events and then remember this tool and realize I am in fact looking at it analytically and not feeling the negative emotion. I feel calmer than I did every other time. Before  the feelings would overwhelm me and  would end up crying/shaking and feeling hatred. and start back  around with feeling guilty, low self esteem, and powerless.


Its actually quite peaceful in a lot of ways. Like a kind of acceptance settling over me. In other ways, its kind of mind blowing. Like I am seeing things for the first time properly and finally unpacking a suitcase I have been dragging around with me. In time I am hoping to burn all of these suitcases in a big ol bon fire and roast marshmallows. 


Right now I dont feel  the guilt or the feeling of no self worth. One thing I do feel right now is powerful and that is a nice way to feel.

Yoga for Dummies cause I am a smartie

The start of the new week and Oscar going back to work after a week off had me thinking that things needed to change. I was getting into a rut. Dishes  were beginning to be left over night to deal with the next day, clothes  sat in the laundry basket waiting to be folded for a couple of days. I knew I was heading back down a path of least resistance and not some where I wanted to return to.  So,  I decided to  use the day to mark the new direction I have been working on recently that I want my life to take by starting a new exercise regime. 


I pulled out the Yoga for Dummies Dvd I bought eons ago... unwrapped it and opened it for the first time. Phew that was hard work, perhaps I should stop now, cant push it too hard on the first day... no? Oh, ok. Right, you can do this girl. Push DVD into the xbox thingy( yes guys Thingy is a technical term), kick my shoes off and push the coffee table out of the way.. This is going to get messy.


That Dvd kicked my proverbial butt. A couple of the poses I couldnt even hold for the 6 breaths I was meant to be doing. But the lass was so supportive, telling me what a wonderful job I was doing, I didnt want to disappoint her so I pushed on, =oP.  Over time I am sure that supportive  smiling voice will start to sound terribly condescending, but for now I am happy to continue to push, stretch and reach  higher with each breath just to hear those, "wow, you did really well" comments.


At the end I did in fact feel better and so much more relaxed.. once I stopped panting and gasping for breath that is. Later last night I started to feel those familiar achy muscles. You know the ones that say to you man, what are you doing to me? The body aches in protest of the  extra work its been put through. Call it the  athlete in me, but I like that  feeling. To me its a comforting pain. It means I did good that day.


During the 30 minute "Basic" workout I stretched, pulled and panted my body through only 12 positions. Forced my body to  relax. At the beginning the positions made me realize just how tensed up I was always holding my body. Pushing my shoulders into the "relaxed" positions actually was painful and really spelt out how much damage I was doing to my body and therefore my soul.


Simple basic poses showed me  just how inflexible I had become over the years. Simple breathing pattern  had me perplexed and really having to constantly concentrate on getting right. As the session went on I started to feel different though. Bones in my back were starting to click and feel  good with each  movement. More than once my neck and shoulders started to naturally set into their  place. I even felt my neck  click back into place each time I  stretched it. 


On the very last position I actually felt more relaxed and centred than I can remember being for a very long time. I can honestly say that other than my constant companions nose  constantly being stuck in my face while I was upside down and on the floor it was almost a spiritual thing.


One day I will actually be able to  stretch down and place my hands on the floor. I may even be able to hold the side lung position for 4 breaths in stead of  3 by the end of this week. My goal is not to lose weight but to  strengthen and heal my body so I am not pushing myself too hard as I am still recovering from a bruised rib. Which means some positions are a little painful on one side. I also know I need to start sometime and there is always a reason or an excuse to put off getting started. I can already come up  with  3 excuses to not try again today but I wont listen to them, cause I now know the only person standing in the way of my goal of living a simple, healthier life in mind and body is me.
☺

                    Such a friendly lass, always telling me what a great job I am doing.

Amazing what you can get done when you stop over indulging.  We are back on the wagon after a couple of weeks of  stodgy(yummy) food. I am also putting a stop to  the odd drinky poo that was happening during the week. yep its time to get back on that wagon and march on forward towards that healthier life

Poking My Head Out Of My Safe Place

Well its been an eventful couple of weeks since I last blogged (is that even a word?). I have been  taking my anti depressants now for 3 weeks and although I cant say I have really noticed a difference happiness wise, it's fair to say there is improvement. Things that were pushing me over the edge  sanity wise I seem to be coping with much better.. well when I say much better I mean I am not forcing myself to not throw my phone after phone calls. I am not  having to  walk outside to stop myself from having a complete and utter melt down the second  the slightest thing goes wrong so  I think that's a definite improvement.


I don't know what it was I was thinking would happen. Maybe I half expected to wake up and just have a smile on my dial from now on. Yes I know that's not how anti depressants work,, unless of course your on the ones where everything is just so very groovy =o) I am finding though, the days are easier to manage and I think with everything that has happened over the past few weeks it was a very good thing I went to the Dr the day I did.


I finally got the kids on the rural school bus with the help of my local minister of parliaments aide (thank you Dee, you are a star). After 5 weeks I knew  it was time to get the big guns in and it worked like a charm. Well there were a few tears in the mix but after over 4 hours  on the phone with various government  departments that do not work together, I dare say would reduce the most hardened to tears... or homicide!


Then there was the passing of an amazing young woman with the most beautiful soul I ever had the fortune to know to a disease all women should make it their business to know more about. Hell many Dr's cant even get diagnosis right so we owe it to ourselves to know all there is  about the symptoms of Ovarian Cancer, because sadly too many women are diagnosed far too late to do anything. 


There have been others that I have known and have lost their battle and I cant really say why  this one hit me harder than the others, but it did. Maybe it was because it was on the eve of my own good fortune but I think its mainly because this one truly was an inspiration to me. An angel walking on earth teaching all that knew her how to live and love, how to appreciate the little things and most of all how to make your life count. 


But wait there's more. I celebrated 3 years of being cancer free on Paddy's day. These days it seems just fitting that  on the day  we celebrate all things Irish I celebrate  finding my own pot of gold. Up until this year I found myself still very angry at the world on this day. But this year I just chose to find joy to be here still when it was so close to  me not being here. It just so happened  to work out  that Oscar  was lucky enough to not have to work after all and we went to  a town south of us to do some shopping and look around. 


Sometimes I wonder if I have guardian angels on my shoulder or mischievous imps or Leprechauns, perhaps a bit of all 3 seeing I come from  a mix of Irish and Scottish Stock.  Either way I am both very lucky and unlucky some days and that day I hit jackpot with both as I stepped on that one way road. Almost over half way across the car that had passed us decided he fancied the car park he had just passed and reversed his big 4wd into me. Luckily for me I managed to keep my footing and walked away  with just bruising. Unlucky for the guy that walked away after he hit me giving me a filthy look. He now has  a date with karma and may she be the bitch she often can be to those deserving.


On the day I kind of sunk into myself. Insulating myself for protection. It truly was one of the more frightening things to ever happen to me, particularly because I had no warning. I didn't see a thing until I had already been hit. In shock and in a lot of pain I just needed to protect myself from reality for a little while. Its not unusual for me to go off radar when things get too much  and for all my bubbly enthusiasm and outgoing nature I generally do like my own company for long periods of time.


I did find myself  more grateful than ever that I had listened to my gutt that day a few weeks ago and went to see the Dr though. On Saturday, I naturally withdrew immediately into my safe place in my mind, but instead of it lasting for days not even daring to peek out of my cocoon I found myself venturing out of my safe place a little faster. 

It's safe to say the anti depressants are definitely helping. In time I am sure  I will be more equipped to deal with  differing levels of stress. Considering all that has happened in these few weeks though, I think I am doing ok.☺

You are Unique

 Can you list 3 positive things about yourself? That's easy enough isn't it? Okay what about 5 positive things about your personality? Maybe a little harder there? Now for the challenge, can you list right now 10 positive characteristics of you and your personality?


Many years ago I went to a self esteem course that was  organized by the principle of my kids school specifically for mum's and helping them to boost their confidence in them selves. It was honestly, the best thing I ever did. I learned  that it was ok to accept myself  for who I am if I was happy with how I was. I also learned I didn't have to accept being treated with disrespect if I didn't want to be. In essence I learned that If I wanted people to treat me with respect then I had to be the one to  show them how and accept nothing less.


One of the first  lessons I can remember was  being asked to write down 3 positive things about myself, then the 5 then the 10.


Back then I struggled with the 3. Incredibly shy, so overwhelmed with life and feeling  like there really wasn't any good reason why I was even here on this earth. Every one when they hear me say that is shocked, because they all picture me  as smiling, loving life, full of energy and strength. Its the biggest Bluff ever and I do it well.


Don't get me wrong, I am a positive person.. don't mistake that  a positive personality cant have depression either.. they are 2 separate  things one is a personality the other is an illness. In a way it would probably be less confusing perhaps  to be a glass is half empty kind of person and have depression. But I am not so its really not worth thinking about.


Back to the  positive things though. With help I managed 5 things that first week. Even if I didn't believe it, other mums that knew me and listed out the descriptions of myself  they thought made me sound like I was the kind of person I might like to know so I stuck with it. I am so glad I did.


As I am  working on rebuilding my self esteem I am finding myself remembering  many of the things I learned during that course. I had forgotten to implement most of it. What with being bogged down with kids, husbands and life its easy to forget that just because we are a wife and mother doesnt mean we stopped being a woman. A person with a right  to feel important and appreciated.


So I invite you to write down 10 positive things about YOU. Not about your parenting skills, your working skills,  or even your married life.. Just about you as a person.  This it all about what you see of yourself on the inside not the outside. This is about nourishing your soul and esteem. Your soul doesn't care if you are fat, thin, a six foot beauty queen or the person with a birth defect it only see's what's inside you.


Get a piece of paper or better a postit note, and start with 
"I am Unique" and go from there.
If you need help with thinking of some positive words to describe yourself I have a link here you can use.
http://www.englishclub.com/vocabulary/adjectives-personality-positive.htm
 Maybe ask a friend what positive traits they see in your personality. who knows they may just describe someone you would like to be friends with too♥


Put it somewhere you can see it every day and repeat those 10 things 3 times every day beginning with "My name is**** and I am Unique, I am...."

Learning from Bessy - the black and white cow

Bessy is a black and white milking cow. She belongs to one of my neighbours that surround most of the property that we are living in at the moment. I like Bessy she has an adventursome spirit. 


I first met Bessy just over a week ago when I was on my way to take the kids to school. Driving down my nice long driveway I came face to face with a big black and white cow just looking at me  as she  chewed  on the grass she had just grabbed from the ditch in the side of the road. You see Bessy as I have affectionately named her not only Knows the grass is definately greener on the other side of the fence, but she  makes sure she gets it every time she has been put into that paddock. She doesnt care that she is meant to just follow the heard and stay in her boxed off area. She is happy as...well as happy as a cow that got to the green grass and isnt hurting a fly doing so.


3 times now she has escaped from that paddock since we have been here and only once has she crossed the road thankfully as its a really busy road for a country road. It is the only road that connects Donnybrook to Capel and quicker access to the Busselton Highway from Donnybrook. Mostly though she just ambles up  the length of the paddocks following the rest of the cows just in her own space. She looks up from time to time to watch inquisitively the funny shiny objects that hurtle themselves at great speed along the  grey blue rocks. Probably wondering why anything would travel at such speed let alone on a rocky path that has no yummy green grass what so ever.


The other day I came out of my driveway to see her yet again out in her ditch this time. she looked  all the while not missing a beat with her chewing the big chunk of lush green grass just pulled out of the drain ditch. she just looked adorable. part of me wanted to put her in one of our stables and say to Oscar when he got  home, "but honeeeeyyyyy she followed me home... can we keep her!?!" 
I love cows, they are fluffy and hugable looking. Their beautiful big eyes look at you serenely. I think a part of me envies  that serene look in their eyes. They eat, they drink, they sleep and they follow a routine. Never worrying if they fit in. Never thinking  about how to be better, faster, smarter. They just are and thats all there is to it.

I have been trying to work out how I can  get my life  to resemble  Bessy's in this aspect. I want to be as happy as the cow that got to the green grass without hurting anyone to get there. The trouble is I have no idea where to start. 


I could tell you a 100 different reasons why I am not that happy right now but that wont help me. Its no good  sitting here  saying all the reasons why I cant be happy and putting the blame onto other people for bringing me down, because ultimately we all know happiness is inside each of us if we want it bad enough. We all know Eleanor Roosevelts Quote "no one can make us feel inferior without our consent" It is true. If we dont  believe even a little bit what other people are saying to us is true, it really cant hurt our feelings. So blaming other people for our happiness is counter productive. I feel then if I blame them any more then is what they said has some truth to it .


How do I retrain myself  to stop blaming others then and work on rebuilding my self esteem without hurting someone in the process? There is no magic potion, no quick fix and definately no snapping of fingers and  its all fixed. Years of bad habits cannot be  changed just like that. Some days are going to be good days some day not so good.


Yesterday I believe I took the first step in rebuilding. I went to the Dr's. A brand new doctor in a brand new town in my brand new life. The slate was clean. I finally plucked up the courage and even though I know intellectually  it is not loosing the battle, but  re-arming myself with more affective weapons to win the war. Getting past that stigma  though still takes more courage for me than anything else. Walking in and saying to someone I need help just to get through the day is one of the hardest things for myself to do.


My mum has often said I am too independant for my own good and in this case she is right. Asking for help to fix a medical ailment is not a sign of weakness. If I had a friend that was diabetic I would harrass her to go and seek medical help. For that matter when I see a friend struggling with depression I keep gently persuading(ok  I am not known for being gentle at anything) to go see a dr about  their medical needs, letting them know the entire time that they deserve to feel happy and secure in life. 


Why then does it take so long for me to stop fighting myself and go and get the help I need to be happy and secure.
By fighting myself with depression I lose in many ways. I validate to myself daily that the hurt feelings I am feeling because of comments that I know were not meant to hurt. I miss out on being happy and enjoying lifes many wonders for what they are. Not to mention missing out on quality in my relationships with family and friends that mean the world to me. 


So today marks  day one of operation rebuild self esteem. I am now on medication that in time, will help me to see things clearly and file things away correctly - For me I liken my brain to a filing system - Right now there are loose papers just flung around every where. Nothing is where it should be and the filing cabnets are a mess.


I feel sick to my stomach, my mouth is drier than the Gibson Desert, I have a massive headache and my body just wants to sleep it off. But without pain there can be no gain, so a couple of days feeling like this is worth it to build a greener pasture. With luck sooner or later my side of the fence will be the greener side and I will be happily eating away. Maybe I don't  have to walk in the same paddock as everyone else to find that happiness though perhaps like Bessy I can walk along side it and find fulfilment there.

still locking my doors

Yesterday morning I woke, turned on my computer,  made my cup of tea and sat down to read all the gossip from around the world  since I slept on FB while I listened to the local radio station. Imagine my shock when I heard on the news that an 88 year old man just going for his morning constitutional at 5am  had been viscously beaten by 2 cowards with a baseball bat. Worse it was not far at all from  where I had moved to.


The sleepy community of Eaton just outside of Bunbury rocked by a callous and cowardly attack that they only ever heard about happening  in the cities north of them. That sort of thing did not happen down here! For me  it made me realize no matter where we move to, no where is ever going to be completely safe. 


The day I moved here locals were so friendly, telling me how  it wont take me long to  stop locking my doors.  How everyone here  looked out for each other. I really think that is true judging by the reaction  I have seen and heard here in this even smaller community. Yesterday was the first time  when in town I noticed the  eyes watching me, the group of little old  ladies wondering who I was and what I was doing in their community. (Yes cause an over weight, 40 something  mum wearing her hippie skirt and smile are so very threatening). Funny how that actually bought me comfort though when a few days earlier I would of thought,, here we go the  clicky old hens group is alive and well in the country.


What I dont understand about this whole thing is what on earth these idiots were even thinking-
 1). he is 88 years old,, what possible threat could he of been to 2 strapping boys? really, is that what it takes to feel like a man!!!!
 2). The guy was out walking for exercise, Who takes money with them when they are exercising? I doubt the $1 something he may of had to buy the morning paper is enough to buy your drugs with dipshits! 
3). he's 88 freaking years old which means he is a pensioner...this means he has less money than anyone else, even a scum of the earth Bully.


My only consolation in all of this is the fact that it shocked the  entire surrounding community to badly that I doubt very much it will be long before these thugs are caught. In fact if they have any brains at all they would turn themselves in before the community members  find them and boil the tar and get the feathers ready... and that's the best they can hope for. Mind you I am not, not in favour of this style of punishment  being bought back.  There is a lot to be said for the harsher style penalties, it would certainly  bring a little bit of fear back I think. but that's a whole different blog for a different time.


http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/breaking-news/elderly-man-bashed-with-baseball-bat/story-fn3dxity-1226266655501

its go go go, but theres always time for coffee and cake with friends

Really have been getting so much done  this week its been go, go, go, non stop. Its all coming together now. Its almost coming together too fast, Its really hitting home to myself and the kids that this is the last week here and is getting a little overwhelming with emotions. Dont get me wrong I cant wait to see the back of this place. Its just the people I will miss. No more just popping over to catch up with my sister inlaw or her popping in here for a cuppa and a chinwag(giggle)each week.


Now when I visit a friend I will have to  organize a day and maybe schedule in  2 or 3  in between hospital visits in school hours. There wont be any running into each other while shopping and catching up on all the goss. All I can say is thanks god for FB and mobile phones.


In the last 48 hours alone everything has been everywhere phones none stop ringing. tradesmen coming and going.last minute jobs  getting done  and schedules re organized to fit in another 3 jobs I just remembered needed doing. I crawl into bed thinking I am so exhausted I could sleep a week, but my brain has forgotten how to rest. so I lay there  my brain starts decorating the new place, while thinking up more jobs that need doing.


The next 4 days are going to be completely hectic but I still have time for the last Hillman ladies get together tomorrow since I am the last Hillmanite left(technically 1 never was, but shes nice so we keep her). We have been through thick and thin together since our kids were in kindy together. Each now forging our paths in different directions so our catch ups are a little more sporadic these days, but when we do, our social event co ordinator is sure to make it a wonderful and seemingly effortless feat getting us all together  on the same day. 

There is always so much cackling and giggling we each  are crying  by the end. But I was reminded twice today by 2 of the ladies  that its the last one  in my house and its going to be that little harder to organize these already infrequent giggle fest's  So yeah  I am a little bit overwhelmed about that. I promise to do my best to not cry if others *you know who you are* promise to  not get me started. 


I have been blessed with  some pretty awesome friends. The ones I have left are keepers. They are with me for the long haul so distance wont change much other than when we catch up  it will be even livelier. Some I only seem to catch up with once in a blue moon these days already, but when we do It just reminds me how special they are and how lucky  I am  I still have each in my life. Then I have a few I have never met in real life. A very few I have known for a decade now, maybe more. we have shared heartaches, triumphs  and even babies. Even though I know I may never meet any of them, they still hold a special spot in my heart as well. Its just so lucky I always have room for one more. So I guess I just reminded myself  that  while a catch up can be done over coffee and cake, sometimes  the ones online can be just as precious.

I love Mondays

I know I know, your all looking at this thinking, is this woman mad? Truth is I would probably reply of course,  if you asked me in person. There's nothing wrong with having a little of the mad hatter in us. Just think how boring everyone's lives would be if it weren't for those of us that have mood swings like revolving doors. Life would definitely be calmer yes, but  everyone needs a little bit of excitement in their lives from time to time.


I dont know what it is about Mondays, but they are my favourite day of the week. In part its probably cause Mondays generally mean first day back at work for Oscar and back to school for kids, which means I get some measure of sanity back, not to mention a few hours of order to my routine and house. But mainly I think its because Mondays are about new beginnings. Monday mornings for as long as I can remember  even as a kid myself I have always had an abundance of energy. Sunday nights I find I dont sleep well because I am actually anxious for Monday to begin. Monday mornings I feel closer to my spiritual connections than I do at any other time of the week.


With  the move down south fast approaching. There is an air of excitement throughout our house anyway. Each of us are dealing with it in differing ways. All of us are so ready for  this to just happen now and I think I am the most impatient of us all. I have been waiting (not so patiently) to get out of this house for over a decade. Truth be told my instincts were telling me no to this house before we even bought it, but I was young and eager to please back then. Oh how times have changed.


I am feeling stronger every day we get closer to the time we no longer own this house and can begin the next phase of our journey. Selling the house is more than symbolic for me for this next step on the my path, I feel it in every fiber of me that it is a necessary step to move forward. The shedding of the house if you will, symbolizes the shedding of negative energy and embracing a healthier approach to life both in body and soul.  It also feels like a birth in many ways. A fresh start but with the wisdom of time and experiences to help lay down firm foundations for a happier life.


Even with  the oldest's medical set backs recently there is still a feeling of fulfillment surrounding me. I can feel my soul being nourished already with my new found feeling of empowerment. I am less caring of peoples interpretations of myself and the path I am now on. I am finally getting that if the person truly cares about me and my happiness then they will accept me warts, potions and all-so to speak.


No I am not a witch, I am no where near empowered or knowledgeable enough to call myself that. I often get teased about my bubbling cauldron because of my love of all things aromatherapy. mostly its friends saying it in a caring and loving way, sometimes I have had it said to me in less supportive way.. but thats ok, each to there own and I wont pick on their close mindedness if they learn to be more respectful. =oP


But back on track, Mondays, oh yes I love Mondays. The beginning of a new week, fresh with no mistakes what more can you ask for.

Left to pick up the pieces

I dont really know where to start with this post. Today started out with such promise and hope. This evening I teeter like I am on a  see-saw with emotions ranging from anger, sadness and disbelief. This Post contains  a more grown up content so anyone  not 18 or over in mind or body need not continue reading. Oh and I am not interested in hearing  religious comments about this subject either. Everyone has their right to  a belief, but please refrain from  any sermons thank you.


ok  so  that was my warning.


Today I sailed through the day, nothing spectacular happened but not a complete loss of a day either. and all of a sudden I am hit with the news of a death in the family over night. I wasnt all that close that part of the family. In fact I have only just started to  get to know many family members only in the past year or so. I think in 20 years I have seen the family in question less than a handful of times, still when its one of your own you tend to stop and take stock.


I think most of us have been down from time to time. I myself have struggled with depression for almost all of my life to varying degree's. At one point in my life I had hit rock bottom and didn't know where to go from there. The only thing that kept me  here was my stubborn determination to not lose the battle and the  thought of  my kids having to live with the stigma. That time in my life as hard as it was has served me well in the years after. I now have a base line  where I know I need to get help. I now have the tools to combat my problem and I have the back up in place if I drop past that line. Not everyone is that lucky to get through that time.


Its a sad fact that in this day and age many of us have known people in our lives that have taken their lives and  we have seen the devastation it has caused through out a family. Some of us have witnessed the  trauma that friends have gone through trying to pick up the pieces or have in fact been the friend having to pick up the pieces and get past the guilt of not having seen the signs or been able to save them.


Death is and always will be a sad thing. When someone chooses to end  it themselves it just seems too hard to comprehend. Being that I have been on both sides of the coin leaves me today feeling a little like I am in a tornado, being whipped around with emotions.


Part of me say's  I can understand how a person gets to a point where they see no other alternative to ending the pain. Depression after all is  so completely self absorbent in nature that you really do only think of things from your own perspective. But then the other part of me thinks  you know what I got through it, why couldn't they.  and then I swing into how dare they do that and leave a family they claim to love to pick up the pieces  on new years day of all days.


I feel mean that I cant  say RIP but at the same time I am mad at the person for putting  so many people through this. I feel guilty because that person reached out a few weeks back to connect and I ignored them because I didnt want to get involved in yet another family drama. Most of all I  feel confused by the intensity of my own emotions seeing as other than  saying hello how are you I don't think I had said anything more to this person in 20 years. maybe because life has been one big roller coaster of emotions lately I am just feeling  every emotion too intensely anyway.


I hope this person has found what ever it was they were looking for, but mainly I wish their family  didn't have to be  on the roller coaster ride of emotions they are now on. They each have their own  burden of guilt they will have to work through to find some peace and get joy in their own lives.


Most of all I hope if  anyone  reading this has thoughts that there is no other way just stops and realizes that their pain may end, but the people they love are left behind. and there are NO winners in any of it.  Don't just talk to friends or strangers on line and then leave them to pick up the pieces. Do something constructive. go to a doctor, call a helpline. these people are specifically trained to help you through it. They can get you the tools to break down the walls and take the pain away in a healthy way.


Its not easy. it is the most terrifying thing you will do, But it is worth it. I look back now and think of all I would of missed and think what the hell was I thinking and it boils down to this.. I was over thinking and not thinking at the same time. Every single time I feel myself  falling down that pit  and pull myself out I thank the universe for putting that clinical nurse in my path that day.


Aus help line
http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?
 USA helpline
http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
UK Helpline
http://www.samaritans.org/