A new door opens.

 Some of you may of noticed I am a bit sporadic on this page of late. While I do still love my baby page. I feel I have grown as a person and my direction in life has changed somewhat.
Those first teetering steps while recovering from the shock of a life changing illness and rebuilding who I was, were murky at times and I  was often struggling to just survive. In many ways I have become a completely different person to that  narky housewife with an opinion on pretty much everything and I thank each of you that have helped me along my journey as I have evolved to a person I am proud to be. This page has helped me to rebuild my confidence, shake out the negative energy that was within me and has helped me to make some amazing friends I know I would never of had the opportunity to get to know otherwise.

These days I am more focused on positive aspects of life, Focusing on ways to improve my health in a proactive way. My move to the country life has directed me towards a more practical and frugal way of life and I have found a happiness within me I never knew existed. I am busier with  all the things life has to offer me at the moment which has made me take the time to take stock of what is now important to me and make a few changes to help keep my health balanced.

The title of this page has bothered me  for a little while now as it reflects a more negative period in my life and while it has been an important stepping stone in my recovery I feel its time for me to move on to bigger and better things in life.

So after this week I will no longer be posting on this page. I have chosen to concentrate my energies on my other projects that give me positive energy and are in keeping  with who I am  evolving  into.
My 2 pages that I feel are more who I am these days are
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Smiling-Through-Chronic-Pain/234543723353221?fref=ts
And
My pet project
https://www.facebook.com/tealgumboot?fref=ts

If you wish to stay in touch, please do drop in to those pages and like. If you feel it is also your time to move on. I wish you well in your journey and send bright blessings your way.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of my friends and family for all of their patience and support over the past 3 years. With each of you, I really wouldn't be where I am today. Vibrant and happy. It is just as much through you as it has been through this page that I have gained so much to be thankful for.

Lastly I need to thank my husband and 2 wonderful boys for absolutely everything. Without them. I would not be here today. They make fighting for life so worthwhile.

This is not the end. It is just one door closing so that new doors may open.

Love and blessings to you all.
♥Jo.

Not The Best Housewife

Have I mentioned lately that I am not the best housewife? Well I'm not. 

Don't get me wrong, I do get the housework done and then the hoard rush in like a stampede dropping and tossing as they fly through. I do the laundry and I swear the basket magically fills itself as I hang the last load out. Cooking can sometimes be a chore. Trying to think of some amazing new creation that would rival a MKR contestants.

Gone are the days where you had 8 maybe 9 staple meals you rotated for variety. Nope these days they walk in and say what's for dinner expecting an amazing new creation all done on a tight budget.

All of these I do.. Well I mostly keep up with. But the one chore I detest more than any of the others is mending. Pulling up hems, putting buttons back on(5 minutes after buying the damn thing). Fixing up tears and rips. You name it I hate it with a passion. I have been known to throw perfectly good jeans out because it was either that or someone had to die that day if I had to pick up a needle and thread.... Ok so that is a little exaggerated, but you get my point. When it comes to mending. I am so Not Frugal.

I am having a break from yet another pair of jeans needing taking up. What is with shops not having short leg jeans! There are more short people than there are tall so why isn't there a small section in the shops dedicated to us short arses? (Pun intended). I wear heeled boots with my jeans just so I don't have to bring them up.

This morning I have managed to prick my self several times, and that just with the other leg I keep dragging across my knee. I don't look anything like those ladies look in the romantic old time movies where the 'little lady' is sitting by the fire placidly mending away looking nothing but serene. 

No, I look like a runaway from the local mental ward for the criminally insane. Muttering away angrily to myself. Hair pushed aside from the umpteenth time of rubbing my hand across my face in frustration at pricking myself again and again with the blasted needle. There's not an ounce of serenity about.. Unless you think my sinister smile as I am busy plotting  a gruesome end to said pair of jeans in my lap still looks quite serene. At which point I will just say. I'll save you a seat on the short bus. The window seat and fluffy white hugme jacket are mine but!


No it's safe to say I am NOT the best housewife.

I am a Moody girl.

I am a moody girl.. no really I am! It's ok though, I have accepted that is who I am. Even people that know me well think I have several personalities and  many of my close friends and family have met each and every one of them. Some of my friends have even named them! General consensus is that 'hallmark' personality is the sweetest . No- one likes Banshee or Little miss B much, well almost no-one and that is who this post is all about.

On top of  that little pearler to live with, I am learning to live with Fybromyalgia.  A real peach of a condition that pushes the boundaries of your sanity as well as your own personal endurances for pain, fatigue and 'fog'.


Just imagine how horrible it can be when you  wake up and before you get out of bed you just want to cry because you hurt so much, but don't even have the energy to shed a tear. That's how yesterday started out for me. Luckily for me though I have a secret weapon to help remind me why  its worth it to struggle on through it and be Alive.


*Yesterday it hurt so much to get out of bed, but I did it without a tear shed. "All is good" I say to myself, I can make it through today without crying. 
I walked out to hang the washing before work and I cried my eyes out because I knew I still had to get through the day on my feet and I could barely stand up straight already. Damn it, I almost made it out of the house. 
I walked in the door after work, put dinner on and then laid on my bed just wanting to cry because I was sure my body could not cope with one more ounce of pain, but I have no more energy left to give... Still, there is no rest for the wicked or us mums. Dinner had to be cooked and washing had to be bought back in. So Up I got and limped on through the chores. 
Dinner done no more tears, I am too exhausted to cry so of course here comes  Little Miss B out of her corner of the mess that is my mind. "

Poor Oscar copped Little miss B last night and she was in fine form!  Her opinion - All males on earth should no longer be breathing, just because they were born males. Don't ask me why Little miss B has a problem with males and thinks all of the problems in the world are caused by them being here. Hallmark certainly loves them and understands that each member of the human race, Male or female has the potential to be amazing. Banshee screams at each sex equally and shows no discrimination at all either. 

Oscar managed to endear himself to Little Miss B though,, as he generally does. . In the middle of a tirade of how horrible he was for being born a male (exaggeration), he just laughed gave me a hug and said, "I love your bad attitude, never change who you are. Now go get some sleep and let us poor blokes live another day".

I don't know what that says about me or him when it comes to moments like that, but its precisely those kind of moment when I think I am the luckiest girl in the world to find a guy that loves me even when I am at my worse.

Its moments like that one right there that help me to understand why he is so important to me and why 22 years ago Meeting him was fate. It's also moments like that, that remind me that even when I think I cant take any more and I have been overwhelmed by emotion and pain, there is still something wonderful about being alive.

Living with the Invisible

I wanted to share this. Not because I am after any sympathy, nor am I after any hints or blessings. I am sharing this because even though my husband and my kids know I have an illness that prevents me sometimes from being able to join in completely I have realized this week more and more that they don't seem to understand just how much living in constant chronic pain takes out of me. I hear it so often from other sufferers and have realized that while our family cares they just don't understand that that pain they have in their back for a day is with us 24/7 and all over our body. There is no respite other than it being a 4/10 day or a 9/10 day with pain levels.

I hope with sharing this someone may just see a little of what it is like for someone they may know that is battling this illness and realize just how strong they really are. Just maybe you will see that a loved one is pushing themselves so hard to just be able to do the things that have to be done, the luxuries like hanging out with friends are just beyond them somedays.

This is me tonight. Nothing hidden, just a girl showing you what is going on  in her life today.
*************************************************************************************************


I have been on the bed since 2Pm aching every where. Heat packs aren't doing squat cause I need a full body one. I am sweating so badly because all the heat packs and the fire have set off a hot flush, but I need the heat  for the muscle pain. My hips feel like they have snapped. My muscles in my butt and just above have knots so bad I feel like I have rocks in there. ankles and feet hurt so bad it feels like knives going right up my legs when I walk. My knees are tender and don't even nudge my elbows. I may collapse with the pain. My finger nails are so sore, I bumped my fingers on the edge of the bench and my fingers just felt like they had been hit by a hammer. My hair hurts.  The muscle spasms and cramps in my back all over are causing  the pain in my neck to sieze up all the muscles tightly. My chest is giving me shocking pains. Headache city. When I cough I swear the roof of my head caves in just a little each time. I want to sleep but my brain won't switch off.

All this from spending just a couple of hours out in the garden weeding and pruning. This is pretty much how I end up each day and I do this because no one else can see the pain so I am constantly feeling like I need to explain why I can't do things that other people my age.. And older can doo easily each day. I do this because I refuse to let an invisible illness take any more from my life. Most of all I do this so that at the end of the day I can say you didn't beat me today.

Next time someone that fights a chronic illness says to you they can't hang out and it seems like they are always bailing out at the last minute, don't grumble and think they aren't trying very hard cause you saw them only yesterday laughing and having a great time. Perhaps you don't realize but that girl laughing and enjoying the moment went home and cried for half an hour in the shower because she dropped the soap and is hurting too much to bend over and pick it up. That mate you saw cheering on his kids at their sport would love to go hang out at the bar with you, but it took all of his energy just get out of bed that morning and standing for all that time has now ceased his joints up.

Sometimes what you are seeing is a carefully placed mask. You may think we are lazy, moody or plain selfish. What you don't realize is it took more energy than that person had to get dressed today. They pushed past pain barriers just to get through their day at work. They then could not sleep well because the pain finally over rode and laying in bed is pure agony.


One Time why don't you stop and ask, is there anything I can do for you. Or just walk up and give that person a hug and let them know you are there for them, no judgement. No giving them pointers about what you think they should do, cause trust me that person has tried every old wives tale and read every medical excerpt they can find. Just let them know you care.

My family isnt odd... its in the Genes

Isn't the internet a wonderful thing. We can find almost anything with it. Sometimes its a doorway to making a dream come alive. maybe its a window to give you glimpses of things you only every dreamed about. Either way it is a gateway to knowledge.

As I am getting older I am finding I am becoming more and more obsessed with following my family tree. It's not as easy as it sounds. there is lots of checking, backtracking and rechecking involved.

I have been tracking down  my ancestory for a couple of years now. it really is quite an arduous  chore and I have breaks from it from time to time when it gets a bit too confusing. I have completely lost the trail on my mums side now so  I will have to back track and start again as the O'meara's seem to be every where in Scotland and Ireland in the 1800's not to mention a few I found in the US, NZ and of course a few naughty ones sent on over to Australia in the convict days. 

The past few months though  I have found a few extra  bits and pieces on my dads side. I have known for a few years now that we are descendants of Henry Liddell from Ravensworth Castle Scotland. Henry is the father of Alice Liddell. You may know her better as Alice in wonderland. That was exciting to find out, and for the past year I have been  reading up all I can about the family and of course the castle. It is my dream to one day go to Scotland and just  see the ruins for my self. I know it sounds weird but I would really love a small amount of soil as well, but I know that is a no no. 

After looking  at some old pictures I have managed to find of the  Liddell family tree I started flicking through a few of my old photos of myself and my sisters as kids. and man I got an eerie feeling when I noticed my little sister..always a free spirit, as a child she looked at the world through different coloured glasses to the rest of us. In one picture  of us girls it completely hit me how similar in looks my little sister was to Alice as a child.

Once again it made me smile as it kind of enforced a couple of things  I have always known about my family. 
1. of course our pets are our family and it is quite normal to talk to them and include them like you would anyone else.
2. Imagination is a blessing and something  we have in abundance.

                        Alice Liddell. Posing as a beggar girl for Charles Dodgson
                                                    

Who Says It Has To Be That Way?

Is it bad that both Oscar and I are really happy that  for his last day of vacation time he used to  spend moving house over this week he has gone to spend the day with an old friend? And do I really care what anyone else thinks of that statement? The simple answer to that these days is no, not even a bit.


Don't get me wrong, we both love each other, but we both value our space too. We have mutual friends but we also have friends that are predominantly  either his or mine and I like it that way. We both are very independent creatures who do like our own solitude but in different ways. His idea of a blissful day is to go and sit by the beach, go fishing or have a few beers with mates and talk about men business.. you know, bullshit and crap :-P I on the other hand think a day of bliss is being  somewhere there are trees, birds and animals scurrying around or curled up in bed with a book or movie or chatting  with friends over a coffee (or wine) about important things in life- you know, renovations/ food/clothes/hair/kids who did what and where.


I see other couples we know that do almost everything together and think isn't that so cute. They are so lucky they  get along  and are so in tuned with each other that they can do that and think maybe I should just try harder to just do what  Oscar likes to do and we would have that great relationship too. Then I start thinking about what makes a great relationship and who says  what is a great relationship? Who gets to decide that?  Why is it that society seems to think that the only way you can have a great relationship is to do everything together from shopping, spending time with friends or even vacationing? perhaps if  more people started doing what was right for themselves and listening to each others needs instead of doing what society says you should be doing as a couple, then perhaps divorces may just go down a little cause lets face it if you ran your marriage like a business and saw that what society says is the right way to run your business has such a high failure rate wouldn't you look at changing the way  you are running your business to make it a success? To me my marriage is  a bussiness I intend to be a success at and if that means throwing  my view of societies  handbook out the window, I am tossing it as far out as possible.


I have come to realize for my marriage that its  not spending every moment in each others pockets, its not just doing what the other partner wants that makes a great relationship. Its doing what is right for  your relationship and individual needs that makes a great relationship.


 I have also come to see also Not every relationship thrives by doing everything together to have that close and loving relationship? I found the more I tried to conform to my view of what society deemed to be the perfect relationship the more unhappy and stressed I became. The more I tried to spend  time with Oscar especially  when it was times that I really wanted to just be on my own and listen to the universe, the more I started to resent spending that time together~ does that make sense?~  The more I tried to emulate what I  figured society decreed was the the correct way to be a good wife, the more suffocated I started to feel.


I know it used to raise a few eyebrows with  many we know. Now  they realize its just how we work and to be honest these days my view is now, if they have a problem with it, its not my problem. Oscar and I have never had a stronger relationship since I stopped trying to keep everyone else happy and started doing what kept me happy, because lets be honest here it is true what they say. "Happy Wife, Happy Life."


 For today I finally unpacked my computer out of its packing box. fed the ducks, chooks and even put some seed out for the wild birds. got the fire nice and hot. made myself a yummy cuppa and sat in my comfy chair with my computer and happily played away knowing that Oscar is off doing what he really enjoys today too. This afternoon when he gets home, we will have interesting things to tell each other and then really enjoy  our time together, after all isn't that really what having a great relationship is all about? 

Unpacking a Suitcase

I couldn't sleep last night so I got to thinking. ( I know dangerous, right!)


I have started going to a psychologist. I fought going for years thinking I don't want to talk about certain things and didn't want  someone probing areas I rather keep to myself. I have only been going for 2 weeks and already I am learning a lot about myself along with the correct tools to get onto the next step of  being truly happy and having a completely productive life. Something was said to me  the other day. I knew it was big but my mind was focused on the coming storm so I filed it away in the  need to think about this  file.


Focus on the fact not the description.


Last night I actually got it completely. Its ok to  remember  a painful event, but I need to stop focusing on the description of it. The feelings I experienced during that time are only serving to  make me go round and round in a cycle. I need to focus now on the facts of the situation. Things like; It has happened, what have I learned from that event? *I learned to be careful in trusting people and more aware of situations I was in. I also learned  to look for safety exits first in every situation* 
Was that person justified in saying/doing? *No? then it doesnt matter. Yes then I can choose to change my actions or not* 
 Was I doing the best I could on that day? Has (son) said he was sick before and everything been ok? * Yes he has said he felt unwell many times and  not ended up in ICU that same day so sometimes its just not possible to catch  things in time*.


Its amazing when I start to think about  some of these events and then remember this tool and realize I am in fact looking at it analytically and not feeling the negative emotion. I feel calmer than I did every other time. Before  the feelings would overwhelm me and  would end up crying/shaking and feeling hatred. and start back  around with feeling guilty, low self esteem, and powerless.


Its actually quite peaceful in a lot of ways. Like a kind of acceptance settling over me. In other ways, its kind of mind blowing. Like I am seeing things for the first time properly and finally unpacking a suitcase I have been dragging around with me. In time I am hoping to burn all of these suitcases in a big ol bon fire and roast marshmallows. 


Right now I dont feel  the guilt or the feeling of no self worth. One thing I do feel right now is powerful and that is a nice way to feel.