My grumble

Just having a grumble. I have to get it out of my head because I can feel my anger, depression and anxiety growing to the point of melt down.  Please only read on if you  really care about  the bad times as well as the good times, cause its not all about flowers and candy all of the time. I always said this was my journey  full of ups and downs.. today we are going down a huge hill, Fast! So put on your seat belt- Don't say you weren't warned




I am  constantly being told how lucky I am and how I should be so grateful, which I am. SO why is it I feel  so bad? why since my op have I had this knot in the pit in my stomach that makes me feel so sick somedays? Why if I am grateful, dont I feel it, if that makes sense. Why when they say I must be grateful do I want to  turn around and say sarcastically" oh yes cause every woman feels grateful about having her life turned completely uspide down and is ever so grateful that most days she is in pain, get dizzy spells or just feel like its all too much. "
For 2 years I am constantly told  how grateful I should feel (even by drs when I go in and say I am not coping). Like the constant living in pain  hasnt taken its toll on my moods. Because they cant see anything wrong that must mean I am  all fine. For the past year I have been told get over it by a few. Its been 2 and a half years since surgery part of me still waits to hear that they missed something every time I go in for blood results I near on pass out  while waiting then they say your bp is high you need to lose weight.
Back on topic though. I know I sound completely ungrateful here, but I don't want to hear people tell me how I should be feeling. Not once has anyone of these people telling me how grateful I should be feeling ever said You must of been so scared. Only a couple of people I know have ever openly acknowledged  this and asked how I am really feeling. never have they asked how I am coping with all the changes my body has made and lets be clear here there have been a lot of physical and mental changes that have occurred since I walked in with  all my body parts only to leave minus  some pretty important organs for a female of child bearing age. And you know what I don't want to hear well at least you had kids already. cause actually that comment little tip- doesn't really help me feel better either, it actually re enforces my  feeling of loss. It just reminds me that once again a dream has been taken away from me.
So much is going on in my life right now, the looming loss of a matriarch of the family has been on my mind a lot. I know its not helping my moods but to be honest  This frustration has been with me for quite a while... Its actually due to this coming event I am getting to the point where I need to say something. people telling us when we should be happy, when we should be grateful even when we should let go. Its not for our own good really.. its for theirs. We should be happy because people only want us to be happy all the time so they feel ok. We should feel grateful because  that way  people don't have to feel uncomfortable when we aren't. We should let go of bad feelings or even life because Its too painful for people to see us in pain. Its not always a bad thing, in some instances its needed. But when we aren't ready to feel these things  before  people think we should be ready, then  shouldn't we all be allowed to  feel what we feel without being told get over it or it could of been worse, because We do already know this and for the most part it never effects our daily life, but aren't we allowed to have moments in time where we are allowed to feel sorry for ourselves for just a while without feeling judged!

my star sign said I may upset people today. Probably should of listened.