Having a Sooky laa laa day

I have definitely hit the wall with our renovations. The place looks like a bomb exploded, I am exhausted, feel like crap and hurt all over(even my fingertips). The more we look the more we see what needs to be fixed or prettied up to sell, but I have put my foot down, no more starting jobs. The simple facts are we could go on for weeks still finding things wrong with this house because frankly,,, it sucks.


I was feeling sentimental about  selling this house after 18 years, but its safe to say after the past few weeks I will probably dance a small jig the day we walk out of here. 2012 is going to be a corker of a year cause we wont be here any more. whoo hoo.


I am so exhausted from doing so much each day I crawl into bed at night, then I cant sleep cause I keep thinking about all the things that still need to be done that I physically cant do any more and then I wake up feeling like I did 10 rounds with Mike and he won! That will never do. I get depressed everytime I go to the bank to take yet more money out for this money pit and yeah I know it will help get a better price, but honestly I would get far more satisfaction right now buying a few pretty sticks of  dynamite and having a nice big  house blowingup party.

The past few days I have had Green Days song stuck in my head Wake Me When September Ends. only I am singing December instead. I am dreading having the house on the market while we are still in here. I honestly stay awake at night dreading people coming into my home. I am just counting down the days now till we move and I dont have to have that kind of invasion of my personal space. And yes I know the irony of having a blog page  and not wanting people in my  home, but its the way I feel. Its kind of funny because when we were looking at houses 18 years ago we only looked at houses that were already emptied so it never occurred to me that I was invading someone else's privacy.


Anyway I just thought I would share my sooky laa laa day with the world since I am about to share my knickers drawer with the general population of nosey  parkers. Will be back to being positive and happy tomorrow, today though, I think I will be a halloween ghoul or be Grinch, cause all I can think of is Bah humbug!

warning - happiness at work here

I learnt a new anagram recently HML and FML Hate my life and F* my life. It has totally blown me away that these are even being used let alone what they are being used in context with. It obviously originated from teens,- It has that whoa is me I am a teen so I must be dramatic and cool by saying how horrid my life is- feel about it after all. I expect it from teens. My own teen said it the other day (with the result being a discussion with mum) But it has me wondering when did it become cool  and a popularity thing for grown ups to do it?

We all have bad days, most of us have had a grumble or 2 from time to time, its called life, bad stuff happens and some times we hit the explode button, but seriously have we hit hate my life as the bar? Can I also ask why being stuck in traffic or having to work back makes your life sucks soo bad? I mean really is that the most dramatic thing going on in your life, cause honestly if it is, can we swap lives?

The thing that gets me is how many people fighting cancer, other life threatening illnesses or helping a loved one through such a time are the ones rejoicing life. Sometimes when I think of how much life problems are weighing me down I just remember  the times when I was in hospital with my son. As ill as he was, there was always hope with us, that we would ALL be leaving the hospital. While walking around the hallways, I saw  too many mums and dads lost in a world of grief. In the wards I saw dads brushing their daughters hair and talking softly to them, knowing full well this time she would not be coming home again. Yet each of these people all took the time to thank the staff and showing gratitude to the smallest bit of kindness.

I have been on a bit of a crusade lately about feeling sorry for yourself and taking responsibility for your own happiness. Possibly because I was starting to feel it way too often myself lately so I know how easy it is to get caught up in the whole its all too much emotion. Besides sometimes you feel like you shouldn't show how happy you are incase people think your gloating. Once again, why is it socially acceptable to  say life sucks, but not wow My life is just wonderful, or even my life is challenging, but I am happy with  my progress so far?

I have reminded myself that the only person that  can change my attitude is me. Its my responsibility to bring happiness  and fulfilment to my life not someone else's! If I need help its up to me to go and get it either with a dr or just talk things out with friends. If I dont like the direction I am heading,,, its the direction I took, so change it. Things are overwhelming me only because I am allowing them to. Some days I still have a mini melt down about something-Hey, I am a work in progress. Then I stop, breathe and laugh at myself and go really girl- your car wont start, is that really your biggest problem today!!! that's not a problem, its an inconvenience.

A life time of doubting and low self esteem make some days a challenge. Some days I need to remind my self that it is actually ok to be happy with where I am going in my life even if it means others are not happy about it. Their happiness is their responsibility not mine. Victim rarely looks good on anyone, so shed it if you have found yourself wearing. stop and  take responsibility for your own happiness. You will be surprised just how good  that looks on you

Achieving success and widening the comfort zone.

Why is it when we think of trying something new and challenging some of us  are in their element,  while for others,  its just too scary to even concider trying? Is it the thought of failing that stops us from trying in the first place? Perhaps its the thought of what others may think that makes us hesitate. All I know is I have been a play it safe dont take giant leaps outside of your comfort zone kind of gal all my life.

I see some people and look on with  a mixture of envy and excitement for them when I see them reach for their dreams, stepping out of their comfort zone, laughing and saying well I learnt not to do it that way again when they messed up. Funny enough I dont see it as failure when they dont get it right the first time, yet the thought of myself trying something new and not being good at it terrifies me out of my skin. So why am I so encouraging to everyone else and not myself! Why is it I expect myself to be perfect at anything I try when I know its not possible to be so?

The past few years I have been thinking about  where I want my life to head and every single direction means stepping out of my little zone and widening it.  Every time I  think yes I am going to do it, that negative little voice in my head says  you cant do it. You wont be good enough at it. Its only been recently that I have come to realize my whole life has been about learning something new and widening my zone and so far I am still here to say well so far so good. Sometimes I messed up and it may not of been pleasant but hey I am still here. Every one didnt run from the building screaming oh no she's here run for your lives!

When I  started up my Rantings blog, that was the real beginning of widening my comfort zone. I barely slept the night I set it up. I was so scared people would look at my silly little rantings and thoughts and think wow, what a weird completely uneducated woman. To start off I was so careful with what I said in case I offended anyone, even though I had decided to make it about me and my feelings with no apologies. with in a few weeks I realized no one had started yelling at me yet to stop boring them and I gained confidence in myself. (I may still bore people, but I no longer take ownership of that, that is their  problem not mine).
Yesterday I got serious in operation break  out of  my safety zone and  decided to head towards a goal that will mean  working from home and earning money where ever I happen to be living all without putting too much of a strain on my body. Today I actually picked up my courage, phoned and booked a seat in a course to  set the ball in motion. Its the first bit of study I have done since I left school after graduating year 10, 25 years ago so that in its self is daunting. I am waiting on the email to come so I can go down and pay for it before I lose that courage.

In some ways its liberating  taking that step. it doesnt seem much to some, but for me fear was a huge barrier stopping me from  heading in a direction that I actually wanted to head in  in my teens, but lacked the self confidence in myself to  try even back then. Now days I have to stop and remember how far I have already come and how much I have already learned.

I had family tell me when pregnant that I would be a hopeless mum because I am not maternal enough. I think my sons are living proof that that wasnt true. I had people tell me my marriage wouldnt last, coming up 19 years later I think that is self evident that it will. I had Drs tell me that I was a hypochondriac that needed to lose weight, until Finally in surgery 6 massive tumors were pulled out of my belly the size of them had in fact fractured my spine in 2 places, making the surgeeon wonder how I could even walk when he actually saw what was going on. So I think I have shown everyone that I have gumption.
Now I just need to convince myself and not let the few negative nancy's around me bring me back down again. I am full of hope and motivation that I will stay outside of my comfort zone and achieve personal success.

Choose Joy

I read something today that saddened me greatly. It also  made me feel a little stumped at just how cruel some human beings can be to each other sometimes. I have never really understood the whole wishing harm on someone.. I know we get angry and wish we hadn't met someone, or we wished they would get out of our lives. To me wishing  a wish is  dangerous business if you wish in the negatives.

Number 2 rule in my beliefs is what you give out, you get back 3 fold. So it stands to reason that  you should always give out  positives and that goes for wishes as well. Possibly its the passive aggressive in me but I think why  spend  hours thinking negatively about how to get even with someone when you can get a far better result getting on with life and showing them that their feelings don't matter to you. Once I get over the shock of having to deal with someone  that has hurt me. I tend to think ok I will get revenge by wishing you a happy life, just without me in it. On the whole it works. Some people, its a little more complicated. We cant just get out of our lives some family members because of the political fall out within families, But with anyone else we choose  whether we allow them to hurt us  and if we wish to hand them over that power any more.

I figure if you wish the person that has  hurt you happiness then you get back happiness 3 times bigger.. what better revenge is that!!

wishing someone  happiness.. and meaning it has another effect. It allows you to let go of the hurt and negative feelings you have accumulated. This is something You do need to do. The longer you store up that hurt, the more it permeates  through you and everything/one around you. Every one of us knows at least one bitter, twisted and lonely old person. Think about that when you hold on to your anger and hurt feelings.

I'm not talking about forgiving either. Some things cannot be forgiven and no one should expect you to if you don't want to. There is a huge difference between  letting go of the hurt and forgiving a person in my book. I let go of the pain when I get to the point where I need to but I don't forgive the action. To forgive the action to me is to say what happened/was said is acceptable. By letting go of the pain I am letting go of that persons power over me. By letting that person out of my life if needs be, I am disallowing them to ever have that power again.

Beyond that I think leave the negative feelings or getting even to Karma.. she's an exert at things like that and has a long long memory. If you have someone in your life that is hurtful and cruel, get them out of your life, cause believe me life is far better without them in it.  If your worried that they will spread hurtful things about you, ask yourself this.Do you really need the people in your life to make you happy if they are going to believe half truths and out right bitchy gossip?

Choose Joy and happiness leave the rest to karma,, thats why she is such a bitch at times =oP

survived

Well its almost time for Oscars vacation to end. We made it. We still like each other too wow, that's  a surprise. Sometimes  having vacations together makes me think of  retirement time.. I think I may have to find myself a job when it happens =oP. I dont want to be the couple that bicker in the shopping center because they spend far too much time together and  dont even realize they are bickering any more. I dont think I want to go insane from the constant having to  dance to his rhythm, I like my tune  far too much to change rhythms mid dance.  I dont really think I will have the  energy to  dig a big enough hole in the vegie patch either!

Ramblings & Musings at 3am

Well its 3am and as usual I am wide awake and have been for the past hour or so. The past week I have been  waking up between 1 and 3 am with out fail. Probably doesn't help that normally I am going to bed around 10pm but with renovations wearing me out, I am all but dead on my feet by 6-7pm each night. I know I have always been an early riser, but this is a bit ridiculous. Its also a case of I wake up and my brain is buzzing with activity. Its like it  forgot to shut down over night. Mostly on my mind has been the stresses of the up and coming sale of the house. Will it  be ready in time? Will the renovations/repairs be good enough? But also on my mind is my Nan and my family.

This morning in particular I have waken and the first thing in my mind is family. Not surprising, Today is Nan's funeral. Its kind of mixed feelings about this and pat of me feels guilty for feeling some of them. Nan suffered. She was in great pain at the end but still she soldiered through it for some unknown reason she fought death till the end. So in a lot of ways there was a relief when she passed over. I only ever remember feeling relief that someone had passed once before and that was for a whole other reason, so feeling relief  just seems wrong. Every one says that's normal given her circumstances and that she is now resting in peace.

Unfortunately all that does is make me think deep thoughts on death.. I know curiosity killed the cat, but man I really really want to know whats behind door number 4 before I get there. Or is that just the female in me? I have always had a bit of a curiosity about this matter. It used to freak my folk out when I was growing up with some of the questions I would ask. RIP has always been a term I have not quite understood. Probably because sleeping has never been my forte. I actually get jealous of my hubby because  he can fall asleep mid sentence at night and sleeps soundly for a minimum of 8 hours each night. Meanwhile if I get 6 hours of tossing and turning after spending about an hour or 2 training my brain to shut down I am over the moon.

Is it normal that I wake up this morning dreading today beginning because I know where it will end? Part of me it sitting here looking out the window willing the sun to not come up just so I dont have to go through this torture called funerals. Watching loved ones falling apart is heart breaking. listening to eulogies lets me know about a character of the loved one I didn't know and makes me feel guilty for not  making more of an effort to get to know better. Sometimes I think part of the funerals function is for us to absolve our own guilt for things we could of and should of, but didn't do when they were still here.  Why is it though, that as much as we dread going to these things and as much as they completely wipe us out emotionally, why is it then that we always feel a sense of peace and actually feel better than we have for days before? Is it because we  set ourselves up so much for the coming stresses and when its over its a relief or is it a more spiritual  thing? Yes more deep thoughts before the sun comes up.

Part of me is worried about the family gathering afterward too. Dont get me wrong, I do love my family, it is purely all about me here(pardon the pun). For all my leaps and bounds forward personally and spiritually, when I get in my family gatherings, I become the socially inadequate, shy, backward outcast teen again and yes I do know that's all in my mind. I know most of my family love me for me, the rest dont know me well enough. That's mainly my choice. When the kids were little it was great having family get together's I was too busy running after them and caring for them to let it get to me too much. but now they are teens they kind of fend for themselves and just congregate with their cousins. So the old anxieties rise up again and I start to feel like I have split personalities. The one that is me warts and all working on feeling comfortable with who she is and the one that has to be what I think family think I should be. That can get quite exhausting trying to figure out which one is the real one and for the life of me I cant figure out why I torture myself so much other than I must enjoy it. While I work it out though, I will remember what one of my uncles told me when I was a kid and it has helped me through many anxious moments. Keep smiling.

No matter what keep smiling. If I feel threatened smile. If I feel out of my depth, smile. If I feel so shy I feel I may actually turn inside out  from trying to hide myself, just keep smiling.  If I keep smiling then before long  my brain will kick in and I will start to relax and see the situation for what it is. Just a family  getting together and sharing some laughs and tears. Just a family full of flaws just like I am all smiling to cover their own insecurities. Nothing scary about that huh!

That little pearl of wisdom has got me through high school, any gathering, family or otherwise, job interviews and attacks from people I used to trust alike. Nothing bugs a person  trying to bring you down more quite like you smiling. So high school - ex friend, same diff! they then have a choice, step up the attacks and  risk showing  their bullying tactics enough for others to turn away from them or give up and move to their next victim. As to gatherings, Crowds scare the living daylights out of me and surprisingly  when its people I know its scarier what if they see through me. What if they see how scared I really am. What if  they think how pathetic I am.. See with people I dont know I dont care what they think too much, its just the energy I pick up from them that scares me. With friends I have shown my true self to them and they have accepted me with open arms so unless there is a stranger in the mix I am good. Sadly I am still not quite over that hurdle of family accepting me or not, not being my problem yet. So I revert back to my  shy teen self and just keep smiling like I am as confident in my skin as I seem. then tomorrow I will be useless because I have used up my reserve energy to keep my  bubble around me for a situation that really doesn't need it. SO you see why I often need my hugme jacket and quiet corner now dont you!!!

Well I have probably either bored you or made you think I have a one way ticket on the cuckoo express happening so I will sign off and go make yet another cup of tea to fortify me through the day. with luck I will be so tired come 2pm I will be too exhausted to  worry about any of the a fore mentioned stresses and just go with the flow. I may even surprise myself and actually relax so much at the wake I forget to be shy and be me. Wouldn't that be awesome =o)

Being myself is exhausting, but worth the entertainment I give myself!

Care factor - Zero

Ok this possibly wont be a popular blog but I am just going to say it anyway.  As always if you dont like what I have to say,, the little x at the top is there for your convenience=o) I dont really care if you agree or disagree, its just really bugging me how people feel they can say what they want but if some one says something different then whoa baby they must be doing the devils work!!

I am constantly dumbfounded by comments I hear sometimes. Ignorant, bigoted, downright hurtful comments by people. People making comments half the time about things they know absolutely nothing about yet feel they need to push their views onto every other person around them. From views on  race to religion, From pro choice to sexuality.

I dont see the point really. I mean  if you dont like a certain lifestyle or persons choice they make why do people feel the need to pass judgement? Why is it anyone's business but their own what they do with their life if its not hurting anyone else but them? If you dont like what they do or believe, dont hang with them, and dont do what they do, and Don't pass judgement,, Are any one of us really that perfect we can afford to throw stones??? I am not passing judgement on anyone's spirituality or religious beliefs, but surely in this day and age we can all respect that  there are many religions we have the freedom to choose what we believe without fear of  belittling and ridicule. I never discuss my religious choice or spirituality, not because I am ashamed, but because to me its private, I dont feel the need to flaunt it nor preach to others about my choice.

In this day and age I am still struggling to understand  how people can  be so thoughtless and uncaring towards their own fellow human beings just because of the colour of their skin or where they came from. Personally I dont care what colour your from or what planet you came from, as long as you treat me and my family with respect, you and me are good!

And whats this crap about gay being a lifestyle choice and they will burn in hell, Honestly do people really think most gay folk woke up one morning and thought, I want to make my life difficult and have people judge me all the time. The facts are a lot of gay people went through a period in their life where they wished  they could be straight just so they could fit in and feel normal. Some do live  a straight life still in this day and age for rear of being found out.

Then you have people making comments like "this is *** my gay friend".. I dont get that. Do they introduce everyone of their friends by their sexuality? Having a gay friend isn't an accessory item in your must haves for the season. If you are really accepting of that persons sexuality why do you need to advertise it like its the only reason your friends with them. Instead just accept them for them, and let them live their life normally like you and me... cause you know what if you stop looking at the gay thing, you will probably find a unique caring person that deserves to be loved for themselves not their trendiness status.

Now to my pet disrespect dislike. The whole Pro choice debate.. to be clear here before the righteous feel the need to attack me, I have never had an abortion, nor do I think I would of had one unless there was a medical reason, but that is my choice! I know of many women that have had them for various reasons in their life and its always been a very hard and heart breaking decision for them to make, so people going on about women having an abortion as a contraception are just bloody stupid in my book.

Never have I ever heard each of these women say that's my safe sex nor have I ever heard of them talk about it as a joke. Each of them has to live with the choice they made and it has  been hard on each of them for different reasons. For that matter people that go on and preach to these women and tell them they are going to burn in hell or throw the M word at them.. well they are not respectful people and when it comes down to it, who do you think is going to be found wanting in the righteous or christian stakes when it comes time to do the math at the precious gates they so desperately want to get past.

Yep I am pretty passionate about this one. Its bullying in its grossest form and not something I can stand.. If someone doesn't agree with it,, then dont have one, but dont dare presume to think you are the judge or juror and think I wont say something about it, because no body is perfect, we all have at least one deep dark secret we wish we could turn back time and change the outcome. So unless you are willing to  speak up and tell everyone what it is and have them all pass judgement on you,You dont get a say.

*Hopefully I havent alienated too many folk with this rant> I know several people I know that will disagree with my feelings on many of these thoughts, but you know what that's cool. everyone's entitled to their own opinion. Just like I was entitled to mine.

You'll find me rocking in the fetal position

So we are renovating in our home for the next 2 weeks.  Well sort of renovating, We are finishing jobs off that have been started over the years and never quite finished off and fixing  things that have broken and never  had the time, money or inclination to  have mended. It took a couple of days to get Oscar motivated. He  needed to recharge his batteries after a few very stressful months at work. Yesterday was the first day he got stuck into things, but still he fought it by doing other jobs not on the list,,,, his reasoning they needed to be done,, my reasoning they will need to be done again the week before the house goes on the market any way. So not the harmonious start I was hoping for, but still at least my part has a huge wedge in it, not that it  really looks like it.  

 I am seriously over painting already and I am not even half way through it. Just thinking of picking up another paint brush makes me want to howl like a baby. The Jobs to do list is massive and all bitsy and needing a breaks in between so at the moment it feels like we arent getting anywhere and non of the jobs have been crossed off the list yet. I dont know if we will end up getting the  kitchen done now. We are just going to run out of time.

Tomorrow is designated day off day. We are taking the kids to the Royal show. Not that that will be a day off by any means. I am exhausted after a shopping trip, the past few days of doing these jobs are taking their toll on me physically so walking around for 6 odd hours in massive crowds(my idea of torture) I am sure to hit tomorrow night and need to turn every noisy appliance off and  just rock in the fetal position in my room for the following 8 hours =oP Can you tell I am excited about going! Oh I am sure parts of it will be fun. Seeing all the animals will definitely be a highlight and I am sure seeing it through our kids eyes will make the place seem  a little magical.

Today on the list though is more door frame painting. Finally  mission brown door frames will be a thing of the past in this house! Patio frame is only half way through( not a fan of ladders they freak me out a little so only doing short spurts of the patio). Once again mission brown patios will be no more. Hopefully Oscar will of bought the  2 sheets of super 6 today and I can paint them ready to go into the ground. And with luck he will of picked up the wooden slats to go onto the patio so The boys and I can paint them. That will mean half the painting will finally be done and half my jobs on the list. 

I know my body enough to know come the end of this week I will barely be able to move and be so exhausted I need to get a massive chunk out of my list done or next week I wont be able to get them done and I will be back at anxiety  station again right now I am on the train called Rising Tension. The place looks like a bomb has hit it. My washing is piling up, the floors are in need of  a good mopping, there are boxes everywhere I feel like we are going backwards not forwards in getting this house up to scratch ready for sale. My dreams at night consist of packing boxes  towering over me and  paint brush weapons.

Those of you that renovate houses as a hobby or find it relaxing, what's your trick? Cause honestly, I doubt I will have any hair left by the end of it all. In fact you may find me sitting in the corner with my hug me jacket on rocking away and talking to all of my friends that reside in my head. How do you cope with the frustrations of jobs taking forever to finish, How on earth do you stay motivated and mostly, How do you stay married after it all!!!!!

A very Smurfy day

What a Smurfabulous day today was. It started out pretty slow. I spent the morning painting the back fence. since the big ol ugly palms were  cut down the ugly fence needed to be finished off now we can get to it. gun metal grey is the colour. but it looks steel blue to me. It took a while with the cool morning for the first coat and I was loosing motivation. but I got the second coat done as far as I can until the last 2 sheets of super6 are fixed(reason the big ol ugly palms had to go). Was getting a little frustrated with the lack of  movement with everyone else in the house and then Oscar reminded me he had organized to catch up with an old friend.

So the kids and I along with Princess Sasha decided to make the most of such a beautiful afternoon and went for a walk/swim at the beach. Considering it was meant to rain all day today, we donned our hats and sunscreen and  even I went ankle deep in the ocean(tad frigid for me). Leaving the  kids to swim and mess around, Princess Sasha and I had done our bit for our butts and tums so we sat and soaked up the rays while I read for a while.. It was bliss. After that we raced home and got ourselves sorted in record time for the movie's. Finally I got to  see my beloved Smurfs.

To say as a child I was obsessed with smurfs was an understatement. I collected every single smurf there was to collect. I bought stuffed smurfs with my pocket money. I watched the cartoons religiously. I knew every smurf's name by sight. So when the movie come out I was  determined to to see it. to day was the 3rd attempt to see it and I was not disappointed.. I sang along and danced in my seat in the cinema. I didnt care there was only 1 other family in there so I had fun.

On the way home while the sun was getting ready to set, we got to see the most impressive cloud formations I have seen in a while. the kids and I were mesmerized by the glowing and pure fluffiness of them. Then we got home and what do I find.. Oscar putting the finishing touches to dinner.

Yep, today really was Smurftasticly magical. Just the  lift each of us needed. I think I can confidently  add today in the memory banks as  one of the top moments to remember in old age.