Can you list 3 positive things about yourself? That's easy enough isn't it? Okay what about 5 positive things about your personality? Maybe a little harder there? Now for the challenge, can you list right now 10 positive characteristics of you and your personality?
Many years ago I went to a self esteem course that was organized by the principle of my kids school specifically for mum's and helping them to boost their confidence in them selves. It was honestly, the best thing I ever did. I learned that it was ok to accept myself for who I am if I was happy with how I was. I also learned I didn't have to accept being treated with disrespect if I didn't want to be. In essence I learned that If I wanted people to treat me with respect then I had to be the one to show them how and accept nothing less.
One of the first lessons I can remember was being asked to write down 3 positive things about myself, then the 5 then the 10.
Back then I struggled with the 3. Incredibly shy, so overwhelmed with life and feeling like there really wasn't any good reason why I was even here on this earth. Every one when they hear me say that is shocked, because they all picture me as smiling, loving life, full of energy and strength. Its the biggest Bluff ever and I do it well.
Don't get me wrong, I am a positive person.. don't mistake that a positive personality cant have depression either.. they are 2 separate things one is a personality the other is an illness. In a way it would probably be less confusing perhaps to be a glass is half empty kind of person and have depression. But I am not so its really not worth thinking about.
Back to the positive things though. With help I managed 5 things that first week. Even if I didn't believe it, other mums that knew me and listed out the descriptions of myself they thought made me sound like I was the kind of person I might like to know so I stuck with it. I am so glad I did.
As I am working on rebuilding my self esteem I am finding myself remembering many of the things I learned during that course. I had forgotten to implement most of it. What with being bogged down with kids, husbands and life its easy to forget that just because we are a wife and mother doesnt mean we stopped being a woman. A person with a right to feel important and appreciated.
So I invite you to write down 10 positive things about YOU. Not about your parenting skills, your working skills, or even your married life.. Just about you as a person. This it all about what you see of yourself on the inside not the outside. This is about nourishing your soul and esteem. Your soul doesn't care if you are fat, thin, a six foot beauty queen or the person with a birth defect it only see's what's inside you.
Get a piece of paper or better a postit note, and start with
"I am Unique" and go from there.
If you need help with thinking of some positive words to describe yourself I have a link here you can use.
http://www.englishclub.com/vocabulary/adjectives-personality-positive.htm
Maybe ask a friend what positive traits they see in your personality. who knows they may just describe someone you would like to be friends with too♥
Put it somewhere you can see it every day and repeat those 10 things 3 times every day beginning with "My name is**** and I am Unique, I am...."
Bessy is a black and white milking cow. She belongs to one of my neighbours that surround most of the property that we are living in at the moment. I like Bessy she has an adventursome spirit.
I first met Bessy just over a week ago when I was on my way to take the kids to school. Driving down my nice long driveway I came face to face with a big black and white cow just looking at me as she chewed on the grass she had just grabbed from the ditch in the side of the road. You see Bessy as I have affectionately named her not only Knows the grass is definately greener on the other side of the fence, but she makes sure she gets it every time she has been put into that paddock. She doesnt care that she is meant to just follow the heard and stay in her boxed off area. She is happy as...well as happy as a cow that got to the green grass and isnt hurting a fly doing so.
3 times now she has escaped from that paddock since we have been here and only once has she crossed the road thankfully as its a really busy road for a country road. It is the only road that connects Donnybrook to Capel and quicker access to the Busselton Highway from Donnybrook. Mostly though she just ambles up the length of the paddocks following the rest of the cows just in her own space. She looks up from time to time to watch inquisitively the funny shiny objects that hurtle themselves at great speed along the grey blue rocks. Probably wondering why anything would travel at such speed let alone on a rocky path that has no yummy green grass what so ever.
The other day I came out of my driveway to see her yet again out in her ditch this time. she looked all the while not missing a beat with her chewing the big chunk of lush green grass just pulled out of the drain ditch. she just looked adorable. part of me wanted to put her in one of our stables and say to Oscar when he got home, "but honeeeeyyyyy she followed me home... can we keep her!?!"
I love cows, they are fluffy and hugable looking. Their beautiful big eyes look at you serenely. I think a part of me envies that serene look in their eyes. They eat, they drink, they sleep and they follow a routine. Never worrying if they fit in. Never thinking about how to be better, faster, smarter. They just are and thats all there is to it.
I have been trying to work out how I can get my life to resemble Bessy's in this aspect. I want to be as happy as the cow that got to the green grass without hurting anyone to get there. The trouble is I have no idea where to start.
I could tell you a 100 different reasons why I am not that happy right now but that wont help me. Its no good sitting here saying all the reasons why I cant be happy and putting the blame onto other people for bringing me down, because ultimately we all know happiness is inside each of us if we want it bad enough. We all know Eleanor Roosevelts Quote "no one can make us feel inferior without our consent" It is true. If we dont believe even a little bit what other people are saying to us is true, it really cant hurt our feelings. So blaming other people for our happiness is counter productive. I feel then if I blame them any more then is what they said has some truth to it .
How do I retrain myself to stop blaming others then and work on rebuilding my self esteem without hurting someone in the process? There is no magic potion, no quick fix and definately no snapping of fingers and its all fixed. Years of bad habits cannot be changed just like that. Some days are going to be good days some day not so good.
Yesterday I believe I took the first step in rebuilding. I went to the Dr's. A brand new doctor in a brand new town in my brand new life. The slate was clean. I finally plucked up the courage and even though I know intellectually it is not loosing the battle, but re-arming myself with more affective weapons to win the war. Getting past that stigma though still takes more courage for me than anything else. Walking in and saying to someone I need help just to get through the day is one of the hardest things for myself to do.
My mum has often said I am too independant for my own good and in this case she is right. Asking for help to fix a medical ailment is not a sign of weakness. If I had a friend that was diabetic I would harrass her to go and seek medical help. For that matter when I see a friend struggling with depression I keep gently persuading(ok I am not known for being gentle at anything) to go see a dr about their medical needs, letting them know the entire time that they deserve to feel happy and secure in life.
Why then does it take so long for me to stop fighting myself and go and get the help I need to be happy and secure.
By fighting myself with depression I lose in many ways. I validate to myself daily that the hurt feelings I am feeling because of comments that I know were not meant to hurt. I miss out on being happy and enjoying lifes many wonders for what they are. Not to mention missing out on quality in my relationships with family and friends that mean the world to me.
So today marks day one of operation rebuild self esteem. I am now on medication that in time, will help me to see things clearly and file things away correctly - For me I liken my brain to a filing system - Right now there are loose papers just flung around every where. Nothing is where it should be and the filing cabnets are a mess.
I feel sick to my stomach, my mouth is drier than the Gibson Desert, I have a massive headache and my body just wants to sleep it off. But without pain there can be no gain, so a couple of days feeling like this is worth it to build a greener pasture. With luck sooner or later my side of the fence will be the greener side and I will be happily eating away. Maybe I don't have to walk in the same paddock as everyone else to find that happiness though perhaps like Bessy I can walk along side it and find fulfilment there.
Yesterday morning I woke, turned on my computer, made my cup of tea and sat down to read all the gossip from around the world since I slept on FB while I listened to the local radio station. Imagine my shock when I heard on the news that an 88 year old man just going for his morning constitutional at 5am had been viscously beaten by 2 cowards with a baseball bat. Worse it was not far at all from where I had moved to.
The sleepy community of Eaton just outside of Bunbury rocked by a callous and cowardly attack that they only ever heard about happening in the cities north of them. That sort of thing did not happen down here! For me it made me realize no matter where we move to, no where is ever going to be completely safe.
The day I moved here locals were so friendly, telling me how it wont take me long to stop locking my doors. How everyone here looked out for each other. I really think that is true judging by the reaction I have seen and heard here in this even smaller community. Yesterday was the first time when in town I noticed the eyes watching me, the group of little old ladies wondering who I was and what I was doing in their community. (Yes cause an over weight, 40 something mum wearing her hippie skirt and smile are so very threatening). Funny how that actually bought me comfort though when a few days earlier I would of thought,, here we go the clicky old hens group is alive and well in the country.
What I dont understand about this whole thing is what on earth these idiots were even thinking-
1). he is 88 years old,, what possible threat could he of been to 2 strapping boys? really, is that what it takes to feel like a man!!!!
2). The guy was out walking for exercise, Who takes money with them when they are exercising? I doubt the $1 something he may of had to buy the morning paper is enough to buy your drugs with dipshits!
3). he's 88 freaking years old which means he is a pensioner...this means he has less money than anyone else, even a scum of the earth Bully.
My only consolation in all of this is the fact that it shocked the entire surrounding community to badly that I doubt very much it will be long before these thugs are caught. In fact if they have any brains at all they would turn themselves in before the community members find them and boil the tar and get the feathers ready... and that's the best they can hope for. Mind you I am not, not in favour of this style of punishment being bought back. There is a lot to be said for the harsher style penalties, it would certainly bring a little bit of fear back I think. but that's a whole different blog for a different time.
http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/breaking-news/elderly-man-bashed-with-baseball-bat/story-fn3dxity-1226266655501
