Really have been getting so much done this week its been go, go, go, non stop. Its all coming together now. Its almost coming together too fast, Its really hitting home to myself and the kids that this is the last week here and is getting a little overwhelming with emotions. Dont get me wrong I cant wait to see the back of this place. Its just the people I will miss. No more just popping over to catch up with my sister inlaw or her popping in here for a cuppa and a chinwag(giggle)each week.
Now when I visit a friend I will have to organize a day and maybe schedule in 2 or 3 in between hospital visits in school hours. There wont be any running into each other while shopping and catching up on all the goss. All I can say is thanks god for FB and mobile phones.
In the last 48 hours alone everything has been everywhere phones none stop ringing. tradesmen coming and going.last minute jobs getting done and schedules re organized to fit in another 3 jobs I just remembered needed doing. I crawl into bed thinking I am so exhausted I could sleep a week, but my brain has forgotten how to rest. so I lay there my brain starts decorating the new place, while thinking up more jobs that need doing.
The next 4 days are going to be completely hectic but I still have time for the last Hillman ladies get together tomorrow since I am the last Hillmanite left(technically 1 never was, but shes nice so we keep her). We have been through thick and thin together since our kids were in kindy together. Each now forging our paths in different directions so our catch ups are a little more sporadic these days, but when we do, our social event co ordinator is sure to make it a wonderful and seemingly effortless feat getting us all together on the same day.
There is always so much cackling and giggling we each are crying by the end. But I was reminded twice today by 2 of the ladies that its the last one in my house and its going to be that little harder to organize these already infrequent giggle fest's So yeah I am a little bit overwhelmed about that. I promise to do my best to not cry if others *you know who you are* promise to not get me started.
I have been blessed with some pretty awesome friends. The ones I have left are keepers. They are with me for the long haul so distance wont change much other than when we catch up it will be even livelier. Some I only seem to catch up with once in a blue moon these days already, but when we do It just reminds me how special they are and how lucky I am I still have each in my life. Then I have a few I have never met in real life. A very few I have known for a decade now, maybe more. we have shared heartaches, triumphs and even babies. Even though I know I may never meet any of them, they still hold a special spot in my heart as well. Its just so lucky I always have room for one more. So I guess I just reminded myself that while a catch up can be done over coffee and cake, sometimes the ones online can be just as precious.
I know I know, your all looking at this thinking, is this woman mad? Truth is I would probably reply of course, if you asked me in person. There's nothing wrong with having a little of the mad hatter in us. Just think how boring everyone's lives would be if it weren't for those of us that have mood swings like revolving doors. Life would definitely be calmer yes, but everyone needs a little bit of excitement in their lives from time to time.
I dont know what it is about Mondays, but they are my favourite day of the week. In part its probably cause Mondays generally mean first day back at work for Oscar and back to school for kids, which means I get some measure of sanity back, not to mention a few hours of order to my routine and house. But mainly I think its because Mondays are about new beginnings. Monday mornings for as long as I can remember even as a kid myself I have always had an abundance of energy. Sunday nights I find I dont sleep well because I am actually anxious for Monday to begin. Monday mornings I feel closer to my spiritual connections than I do at any other time of the week.
With the move down south fast approaching. There is an air of excitement throughout our house anyway. Each of us are dealing with it in differing ways. All of us are so ready for this to just happen now and I think I am the most impatient of us all. I have been waiting (not so patiently) to get out of this house for over a decade. Truth be told my instincts were telling me no to this house before we even bought it, but I was young and eager to please back then. Oh how times have changed.
I am feeling stronger every day we get closer to the time we no longer own this house and can begin the next phase of our journey. Selling the house is more than symbolic for me for this next step on the my path, I feel it in every fiber of me that it is a necessary step to move forward. The shedding of the house if you will, symbolizes the shedding of negative energy and embracing a healthier approach to life both in body and soul. It also feels like a birth in many ways. A fresh start but with the wisdom of time and experiences to help lay down firm foundations for a happier life.
Even with the oldest's medical set backs recently there is still a feeling of fulfillment surrounding me. I can feel my soul being nourished already with my new found feeling of empowerment. I am less caring of peoples interpretations of myself and the path I am now on. I am finally getting that if the person truly cares about me and my happiness then they will accept me warts, potions and all-so to speak.
No I am not a witch, I am no where near empowered or knowledgeable enough to call myself that. I often get teased about my bubbling cauldron because of my love of all things aromatherapy. mostly its friends saying it in a caring and loving way, sometimes I have had it said to me in less supportive way.. but thats ok, each to there own and I wont pick on their close mindedness if they learn to be more respectful. =oP
But back on track, Mondays, oh yes I love Mondays. The beginning of a new week, fresh with no mistakes what more can you ask for.
I dont really know where to start with this post. Today started out with such promise and hope. This evening I teeter like I am on a see-saw with emotions ranging from anger, sadness and disbelief. This Post contains a more grown up content so anyone not 18 or over in mind or body need not continue reading. Oh and I am not interested in hearing religious comments about this subject either. Everyone has their right to a belief, but please refrain from any sermons thank you.
ok so that was my warning.
Today I sailed through the day, nothing spectacular happened but not a complete loss of a day either. and all of a sudden I am hit with the news of a death in the family over night. I wasnt all that close that part of the family. In fact I have only just started to get to know many family members only in the past year or so. I think in 20 years I have seen the family in question less than a handful of times, still when its one of your own you tend to stop and take stock.
I think most of us have been down from time to time. I myself have struggled with depression for almost all of my life to varying degree's. At one point in my life I had hit rock bottom and didn't know where to go from there. The only thing that kept me here was my stubborn determination to not lose the battle and the thought of my kids having to live with the stigma. That time in my life as hard as it was has served me well in the years after. I now have a base line where I know I need to get help. I now have the tools to combat my problem and I have the back up in place if I drop past that line. Not everyone is that lucky to get through that time.
Its a sad fact that in this day and age many of us have known people in our lives that have taken their lives and we have seen the devastation it has caused through out a family. Some of us have witnessed the trauma that friends have gone through trying to pick up the pieces or have in fact been the friend having to pick up the pieces and get past the guilt of not having seen the signs or been able to save them.
Death is and always will be a sad thing. When someone chooses to end it themselves it just seems too hard to comprehend. Being that I have been on both sides of the coin leaves me today feeling a little like I am in a tornado, being whipped around with emotions.
Part of me say's I can understand how a person gets to a point where they see no other alternative to ending the pain. Depression after all is so completely self absorbent in nature that you really do only think of things from your own perspective. But then the other part of me thinks you know what I got through it, why couldn't they. and then I swing into how dare they do that and leave a family they claim to love to pick up the pieces on new years day of all days.
I feel mean that I cant say RIP but at the same time I am mad at the person for putting so many people through this. I feel guilty because that person reached out a few weeks back to connect and I ignored them because I didnt want to get involved in yet another family drama. Most of all I feel confused by the intensity of my own emotions seeing as other than saying hello how are you I don't think I had said anything more to this person in 20 years. maybe because life has been one big roller coaster of emotions lately I am just feeling every emotion too intensely anyway.
I hope this person has found what ever it was they were looking for, but mainly I wish their family didn't have to be on the roller coaster ride of emotions they are now on. They each have their own burden of guilt they will have to work through to find some peace and get joy in their own lives.
Most of all I hope if anyone reading this has thoughts that there is no other way just stops and realizes that their pain may end, but the people they love are left behind. and there are NO winners in any of it. Don't just talk to friends or strangers on line and then leave them to pick up the pieces. Do something constructive. go to a doctor, call a helpline. these people are specifically trained to help you through it. They can get you the tools to break down the walls and take the pain away in a healthy way.
Its not easy. it is the most terrifying thing you will do, But it is worth it. I look back now and think of all I would of missed and think what the hell was I thinking and it boils down to this.. I was over thinking and not thinking at the same time. Every single time I feel myself falling down that pit and pull myself out I thank the universe for putting that clinical nurse in my path that day.
Aus help line
http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?
USA helpline
http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
UK Helpline
http://www.samaritans.org/
