This morning in particular I have waken and the first thing in my mind is family. Not surprising, Today is Nan's funeral. Its kind of mixed feelings about this and pat of me feels guilty for feeling some of them. Nan suffered. She was in great pain at the end but still she soldiered through it for some unknown reason she fought death till the end. So in a lot of ways there was a relief when she passed over. I only ever remember feeling relief that someone had passed once before and that was for a whole other reason, so feeling relief just seems wrong. Every one says that's normal given her circumstances and that she is now resting in peace.
Unfortunately all that does is make me think deep thoughts on death.. I know curiosity killed the cat, but man I really really want to know whats behind door number 4 before I get there. Or is that just the female in me? I have always had a bit of a curiosity about this matter. It used to freak my folk out when I was growing up with some of the questions I would ask. RIP has always been a term I have not quite understood. Probably because sleeping has never been my forte. I actually get jealous of my hubby because he can fall asleep mid sentence at night and sleeps soundly for a minimum of 8 hours each night. Meanwhile if I get 6 hours of tossing and turning after spending about an hour or 2 training my brain to shut down I am over the moon.
Is it normal that I wake up this morning dreading today beginning because I know where it will end? Part of me it sitting here looking out the window willing the sun to not come up just so I dont have to go through this torture called funerals. Watching loved ones falling apart is heart breaking. listening to eulogies lets me know about a character of the loved one I didn't know and makes me feel guilty for not making more of an effort to get to know better. Sometimes I think part of the funerals function is for us to absolve our own guilt for things we could of and should of, but didn't do when they were still here. Why is it though, that as much as we dread going to these things and as much as they completely wipe us out emotionally, why is it then that we always feel a sense of peace and actually feel better than we have for days before? Is it because we set ourselves up so much for the coming stresses and when its over its a relief or is it a more spiritual thing? Yes more deep thoughts before the sun comes up.
Part of me is worried about the family gathering afterward too. Dont get me wrong, I do love my family, it is purely all about me here(pardon the pun). For all my leaps and bounds forward personally and spiritually, when I get in my family gatherings, I become the socially inadequate, shy, backward outcast teen again and yes I do know that's all in my mind. I know most of my family love me for me, the rest dont know me well enough. That's mainly my choice. When the kids were little it was great having family get together's I was too busy running after them and caring for them to let it get to me too much. but now they are teens they kind of fend for themselves and just congregate with their cousins. So the old anxieties rise up again and I start to feel like I have split personalities. The one that is me warts and all working on feeling comfortable with who she is and the one that has to be what I think family think I should be. That can get quite exhausting trying to figure out which one is the real one and for the life of me I cant figure out why I torture myself so much other than I must enjoy it. While I work it out though, I will remember what one of my uncles told me when I was a kid and it has helped me through many anxious moments. Keep smiling.
No matter what keep smiling. If I feel threatened smile. If I feel out of my depth, smile. If I feel so shy I feel I may actually turn inside out from trying to hide myself, just keep smiling. If I keep smiling then before long my brain will kick in and I will start to relax and see the situation for what it is. Just a family getting together and sharing some laughs and tears. Just a family full of flaws just like I am all smiling to cover their own insecurities. Nothing scary about that huh!
That little pearl of wisdom has got me through high school, any gathering, family or otherwise, job interviews and attacks from people I used to trust alike. Nothing bugs a person trying to bring you down more quite like you smiling. So high school - ex friend, same diff! they then have a choice, step up the attacks and risk showing their bullying tactics enough for others to turn away from them or give up and move to their next victim. As to gatherings, Crowds scare the living daylights out of me and surprisingly when its people I know its scarier what if they see through me. What if they see how scared I really am. What if they think how pathetic I am.. See with people I dont know I dont care what they think too much, its just the energy I pick up from them that scares me. With friends I have shown my true self to them and they have accepted me with open arms so unless there is a stranger in the mix I am good. Sadly I am still not quite over that hurdle of family accepting me or not, not being my problem yet. So I revert back to my shy teen self and just keep smiling like I am as confident in my skin as I seem. then tomorrow I will be useless because I have used up my reserve energy to keep my bubble around me for a situation that really doesn't need it. SO you see why I often need my hugme jacket and quiet corner now dont you!!!
Well I have probably either bored you or made you think I have a one way ticket on the cuckoo express happening so I will sign off and go make yet another cup of tea to fortify me through the day. with luck I will be so tired come 2pm I will be too exhausted to worry about any of the a fore mentioned stresses and just go with the flow. I may even surprise myself and actually relax so much at the wake I forget to be shy and be me. Wouldn't that be awesome =o)
Being myself is exhausting, but worth the entertainment I give myself!
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