Room to grow

we are moving at the end of this year, well  the beginning of next year to be exact. 3 & 1/2 months to go. I am so excited about this you know. When ever I think about it I feel  my heart beating faster, My eyes light up and I just feel my passions ignite. I have been craving this  move for longer than I care to admit. Our fresh start as a family but more importantly it feels like its the next step towards my growth as a person!

I dont know when I started craving  a fresh start, I think it was around a decade ago. with my kids starting schooling I felt the need to spread my wings back then. While  it was needed to stay where we were because of  my sons illness, I think back then the seeds started to grow. I have done the best I can  continuing on the path I have chosen or perhaps it chose me, but its become so important to me to be able to move.  Part if it is to get out of the rut, a little is to escape my comfort zone and encourage personally happiness and inner contentment, who knows really why, I just know in my entire being its a necessity. 

Over the past decade I have felt my inner self grow and prosper in many areas, but in some areas I have felt stifled and held back from fully expressing who I really am now to so many. Part of that is due to my fears A chronic people pleaser most of my life, I have struggled  asserting that my own needs and wants are just as important as someone elses. I am also very hard on myself and my failures so I tend to sometimes take the safest route and end up not where I want to be.

 I feel stifled living in a city that to so many others is the perfect place to live. My hubby for example would be happy enough to never move. He  spent most of his child hood here and  just loves the beaches. while I think the beaches are very beautiful, I find the busyness of living in a city suffocating some days. While I love all of my family blood and married into, I also value my own space and over the past few years have become very obsessive with my privacy in my my own home. It is the one place where I am safe to be who I am so when someone enters my home and I feel is attacking me I find it very hard to forgive them. While I enjoy company from time to time and a chance to laugh and share  myself with good friends, I have always valued the time alone as well, to the point where I prefer jobs where I work alone.

Part of me desperately needs the space of distance to feel secure enough to  continue on my path. I feel I need the safety of time to really nurture who I am  become proud of without the knocks and belittling from people that say they love me, but in truth dont understand nor respect me. I am desperately looking forward to the chance to find a new home that fits who I am now. While I have finally learnt that its not the possessions that  make us happy. This house has never really felt like my home. and for 18 years I have kind of felt like I have been in a holding pattern waiting to land on my feet. I have so many memories that are part of this house, both good and bad. When I go a part of this house will come with me, but I am ready to make new memories in  a new  home. I am ready  to make my hearth so to speak and  learn more about myself and my possibilities. 

Will there be hiccups, of course there will. I will make mistakes, possibly a lot and I will learn from them. Mistakes I am learning are an important part of growth. If we never make them we will never know for sure we are heading in the right direction. Just as I know without a doubt, while our elders may  of learned their own lessons, they are not us and not living in our life, therefore I gratefully accept helpful advice when I ask, but I am not required to agree with  it. 

Every one wants something different out of life and have their own journeys to travel. what is important to me, is irrelevant to another and that ok. If we were all the same then I think we would be a boring bunch indeed.