Being a plain Jane is hard work

I never thought of myself as vain. Growing up I was the ultimate plain Jane. Standing next to other girls I would squirm and do my best to blend in behind them.That's pretty much been my MO through life; Blend in and I do it well. At parties I am the one out in the kitchen washing up cause no one goes in there in-case they  get asked to help. At meetings I am the one with the notebook writing furiously  in-case I accidently make eye contact with the speaker and they ask me a question. Generally I find I am friends with people with a more flamboyant nature, that way when we are out eyes are directed towards them in our group. I spend hours doing my makeup before going anywhere I will feel uncomfortable specifically to look like I haven't  made too much of an effort. its exhausting blending in. So I guess in a way I am vain to the point where I dont want to stand out.

After I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer I became very self aware of my femininity. Although I didn't go through destructive chemo and lose my hair I still lost  my ovaries. I lost my uterus and cervix, all parts we identify with being a fertile productive female. So I admit I do take extra care to go out and not stand out. I used to be happy slopping about the house in tracky dacks, good ol granny knickers and slippers, now I am a little more feminine in my appearance. Lacy underthings and heeled boots also help boost my confidence in my femininity, and make up is a must when going out these days. If people think that's being pretentious that's their problem not mine. Its what I need to do to feel like I am just a normal woman going about her  daily business. A woman that still has desires, dreams and feelings. Which is why last night when I managed to burn my face I fell apart a little.

A stupid accident involving boiling water and inattentiveness. First degree burns, which doesn't sound all that bad, but hey it bloomin hurts and I woke up this morning looking like I had gone a round or 3 with Mike Tyson and he won! I never knew burns could bruise and swell areas but there you go! Last night though I had nightmares of waking up to find ugly blisters on my face and chest. horrified with the thought of living with scars on my face. As much as it hurt, I think I was more scared of that happening than anything else.

So yep it turns out I am in fact vain, completely and utterly obsessed with my appearance. How on earth would I be able to blend in with ugly scars. I have a big ol birthmark on my face already making me stand out automatically, I have terrible teeth due to medication I was on as a child, then new experimental glue being used on my braces destroying what was left of my teeth. Scars would just be  too much to deal with. Who knew being a plain Jane would be just as hard to maintain and cause as much anxiety as the exotic beauty working hard to keep her youthful look.

Dr's verdict; after keeping a cream and a dressing on my face and chest for a week My skin will go  a whitish colour(lose it melanin )but after a few months it should go back to its normal colour. There should be no scar and no lasting sign I ever did such a clutzy thing. More importantly I should be able to blend in again and go back to being a.....