Bessy is a black and white milking cow. She belongs to one of my neighbours that surround most of the property that we are living in at the moment. I like Bessy she has an adventursome spirit.
I first met Bessy just over a week ago when I was on my way to take the kids to school. Driving down my nice long driveway I came face to face with a big black and white cow just looking at me as she chewed on the grass she had just grabbed from the ditch in the side of the road. You see Bessy as I have affectionately named her not only Knows the grass is definately greener on the other side of the fence, but she makes sure she gets it every time she has been put into that paddock. She doesnt care that she is meant to just follow the heard and stay in her boxed off area. She is happy as...well as happy as a cow that got to the green grass and isnt hurting a fly doing so.
3 times now she has escaped from that paddock since we have been here and only once has she crossed the road thankfully as its a really busy road for a country road. It is the only road that connects Donnybrook to Capel and quicker access to the Busselton Highway from Donnybrook. Mostly though she just ambles up the length of the paddocks following the rest of the cows just in her own space. She looks up from time to time to watch inquisitively the funny shiny objects that hurtle themselves at great speed along the grey blue rocks. Probably wondering why anything would travel at such speed let alone on a rocky path that has no yummy green grass what so ever.
The other day I came out of my driveway to see her yet again out in her ditch this time. she looked all the while not missing a beat with her chewing the big chunk of lush green grass just pulled out of the drain ditch. she just looked adorable. part of me wanted to put her in one of our stables and say to Oscar when he got home, "but honeeeeyyyyy she followed me home... can we keep her!?!"
I love cows, they are fluffy and hugable looking. Their beautiful big eyes look at you serenely. I think a part of me envies that serene look in their eyes. They eat, they drink, they sleep and they follow a routine. Never worrying if they fit in. Never thinking about how to be better, faster, smarter. They just are and thats all there is to it.
I have been trying to work out how I can get my life to resemble Bessy's in this aspect. I want to be as happy as the cow that got to the green grass without hurting anyone to get there. The trouble is I have no idea where to start.
I could tell you a 100 different reasons why I am not that happy right now but that wont help me. Its no good sitting here saying all the reasons why I cant be happy and putting the blame onto other people for bringing me down, because ultimately we all know happiness is inside each of us if we want it bad enough. We all know Eleanor Roosevelts Quote "no one can make us feel inferior without our consent" It is true. If we dont believe even a little bit what other people are saying to us is true, it really cant hurt our feelings. So blaming other people for our happiness is counter productive. I feel then if I blame them any more then is what they said has some truth to it .
How do I retrain myself to stop blaming others then and work on rebuilding my self esteem without hurting someone in the process? There is no magic potion, no quick fix and definately no snapping of fingers and its all fixed. Years of bad habits cannot be changed just like that. Some days are going to be good days some day not so good.
Yesterday I believe I took the first step in rebuilding. I went to the Dr's. A brand new doctor in a brand new town in my brand new life. The slate was clean. I finally plucked up the courage and even though I know intellectually it is not loosing the battle, but re-arming myself with more affective weapons to win the war. Getting past that stigma though still takes more courage for me than anything else. Walking in and saying to someone I need help just to get through the day is one of the hardest things for myself to do.
My mum has often said I am too independant for my own good and in this case she is right. Asking for help to fix a medical ailment is not a sign of weakness. If I had a friend that was diabetic I would harrass her to go and seek medical help. For that matter when I see a friend struggling with depression I keep gently persuading(ok I am not known for being gentle at anything) to go see a dr about their medical needs, letting them know the entire time that they deserve to feel happy and secure in life.
Why then does it take so long for me to stop fighting myself and go and get the help I need to be happy and secure.
By fighting myself with depression I lose in many ways. I validate to myself daily that the hurt feelings I am feeling because of comments that I know were not meant to hurt. I miss out on being happy and enjoying lifes many wonders for what they are. Not to mention missing out on quality in my relationships with family and friends that mean the world to me.
So today marks day one of operation rebuild self esteem. I am now on medication that in time, will help me to see things clearly and file things away correctly - For me I liken my brain to a filing system - Right now there are loose papers just flung around every where. Nothing is where it should be and the filing cabnets are a mess.
I feel sick to my stomach, my mouth is drier than the Gibson Desert, I have a massive headache and my body just wants to sleep it off. But without pain there can be no gain, so a couple of days feeling like this is worth it to build a greener pasture. With luck sooner or later my side of the fence will be the greener side and I will be happily eating away. Maybe I don't have to walk in the same paddock as everyone else to find that happiness though perhaps like Bessy I can walk along side it and find fulfilment there.
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