Unpacking a Suitcase

I couldn't sleep last night so I got to thinking. ( I know dangerous, right!)


I have started going to a psychologist. I fought going for years thinking I don't want to talk about certain things and didn't want  someone probing areas I rather keep to myself. I have only been going for 2 weeks and already I am learning a lot about myself along with the correct tools to get onto the next step of  being truly happy and having a completely productive life. Something was said to me  the other day. I knew it was big but my mind was focused on the coming storm so I filed it away in the  need to think about this  file.


Focus on the fact not the description.


Last night I actually got it completely. Its ok to  remember  a painful event, but I need to stop focusing on the description of it. The feelings I experienced during that time are only serving to  make me go round and round in a cycle. I need to focus now on the facts of the situation. Things like; It has happened, what have I learned from that event? *I learned to be careful in trusting people and more aware of situations I was in. I also learned  to look for safety exits first in every situation* 
Was that person justified in saying/doing? *No? then it doesnt matter. Yes then I can choose to change my actions or not* 
 Was I doing the best I could on that day? Has (son) said he was sick before and everything been ok? * Yes he has said he felt unwell many times and  not ended up in ICU that same day so sometimes its just not possible to catch  things in time*.


Its amazing when I start to think about  some of these events and then remember this tool and realize I am in fact looking at it analytically and not feeling the negative emotion. I feel calmer than I did every other time. Before  the feelings would overwhelm me and  would end up crying/shaking and feeling hatred. and start back  around with feeling guilty, low self esteem, and powerless.


Its actually quite peaceful in a lot of ways. Like a kind of acceptance settling over me. In other ways, its kind of mind blowing. Like I am seeing things for the first time properly and finally unpacking a suitcase I have been dragging around with me. In time I am hoping to burn all of these suitcases in a big ol bon fire and roast marshmallows. 


Right now I dont feel  the guilt or the feeling of no self worth. One thing I do feel right now is powerful and that is a nice way to feel.