Left to pick up the pieces

I dont really know where to start with this post. Today started out with such promise and hope. This evening I teeter like I am on a  see-saw with emotions ranging from anger, sadness and disbelief. This Post contains  a more grown up content so anyone  not 18 or over in mind or body need not continue reading. Oh and I am not interested in hearing  religious comments about this subject either. Everyone has their right to  a belief, but please refrain from  any sermons thank you.


ok  so  that was my warning.


Today I sailed through the day, nothing spectacular happened but not a complete loss of a day either. and all of a sudden I am hit with the news of a death in the family over night. I wasnt all that close that part of the family. In fact I have only just started to  get to know many family members only in the past year or so. I think in 20 years I have seen the family in question less than a handful of times, still when its one of your own you tend to stop and take stock.


I think most of us have been down from time to time. I myself have struggled with depression for almost all of my life to varying degree's. At one point in my life I had hit rock bottom and didn't know where to go from there. The only thing that kept me  here was my stubborn determination to not lose the battle and the  thought of  my kids having to live with the stigma. That time in my life as hard as it was has served me well in the years after. I now have a base line  where I know I need to get help. I now have the tools to combat my problem and I have the back up in place if I drop past that line. Not everyone is that lucky to get through that time.


Its a sad fact that in this day and age many of us have known people in our lives that have taken their lives and  we have seen the devastation it has caused through out a family. Some of us have witnessed the  trauma that friends have gone through trying to pick up the pieces or have in fact been the friend having to pick up the pieces and get past the guilt of not having seen the signs or been able to save them.


Death is and always will be a sad thing. When someone chooses to end  it themselves it just seems too hard to comprehend. Being that I have been on both sides of the coin leaves me today feeling a little like I am in a tornado, being whipped around with emotions.


Part of me say's  I can understand how a person gets to a point where they see no other alternative to ending the pain. Depression after all is  so completely self absorbent in nature that you really do only think of things from your own perspective. But then the other part of me thinks  you know what I got through it, why couldn't they.  and then I swing into how dare they do that and leave a family they claim to love to pick up the pieces  on new years day of all days.


I feel mean that I cant  say RIP but at the same time I am mad at the person for putting  so many people through this. I feel guilty because that person reached out a few weeks back to connect and I ignored them because I didnt want to get involved in yet another family drama. Most of all I  feel confused by the intensity of my own emotions seeing as other than  saying hello how are you I don't think I had said anything more to this person in 20 years. maybe because life has been one big roller coaster of emotions lately I am just feeling  every emotion too intensely anyway.


I hope this person has found what ever it was they were looking for, but mainly I wish their family  didn't have to be  on the roller coaster ride of emotions they are now on. They each have their own  burden of guilt they will have to work through to find some peace and get joy in their own lives.


Most of all I hope if  anyone  reading this has thoughts that there is no other way just stops and realizes that their pain may end, but the people they love are left behind. and there are NO winners in any of it.  Don't just talk to friends or strangers on line and then leave them to pick up the pieces. Do something constructive. go to a doctor, call a helpline. these people are specifically trained to help you through it. They can get you the tools to break down the walls and take the pain away in a healthy way.


Its not easy. it is the most terrifying thing you will do, But it is worth it. I look back now and think of all I would of missed and think what the hell was I thinking and it boils down to this.. I was over thinking and not thinking at the same time. Every single time I feel myself  falling down that pit  and pull myself out I thank the universe for putting that clinical nurse in my path that day.


Aus help line
http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?
 USA helpline
http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
UK Helpline
http://www.samaritans.org/