It goes against every fibre of my being to ask for help. I have always been so fiercely independent. Some days I think my mum is right when she tells me off for being too independent for my own good. I cant help it, I just need to feel in control of my destination and know pass or fail, I did it on my own merits. Mind you I am pretty sure I learnt that trait from her, and I dont really think of it as a failing, more a strength most days.
Lately though I am realizing that I just dont have the energy any more to pretend all is ok with my body. I am past caring that people think I am just being lazy because my housework isnt done. and I am truly beyond the point where I smile while they sit passing judgement on me when all they have to do is open their eyes and see I am in real trouble at the moment.
Getting this house ready is killing me. Am I being dramatic? possibly. A night of extreme pain will do that to a person. Especially when they have been dealing with differing levels of pain constantly for months and years. Because you dont have a nasty gash, or a cast for all to see people think, just get on with it. we all have pain sometimes. Some days I feel like walking naked around these same people so they can see the mess that is my stomach after my surgery. Then maybe they may get that I am going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life. Then My stubborn fiery nature comes back to the surface and I feel like saying, kiss my plus sized A*.
Perhaps I am reading more into words and looks than really is there. Maybe its my own feelings of inadequacy that are making me feel people are passing judgement in which case, does that mean I am passing judgement on myself and that's why I get angry? All I know is if one more person asked when we will be ready to put the house on the market... I may actually go postal. If its that important for them, then they can bloody well come and give us a hand, if not mind their own bees wax. The house will go on the market when we are done and we will be done when its done, Hubby is not superman, and I have recently had to accept I am not wonder woman.
As much as I wish I were ♥.
Crumbs that strikes a chord - been there done that. From one fiercely independant woman to another, all I can say to you is to march to the beat of your own drum. If others judge you, so what - they don't know the facts and their judgements are based on flawed information. To hell with them. You'll get there, and you'll have done it yourself. You won't have to say 'thank-you' to a soul, or worse still have it thrown back at you as some people have a nasty tendancy to do.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of merit in the old saying "walk a mile in my shoes before you judge me".
..... stepping down off my soapbox .....!
Love your blog too!
aww thanks for that. Its nice to hear from someone that totally gets that.
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